Building Blocks Workbook (Download)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your words reveal your heart.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.