Building Blocks Workbook (Download)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your words reveal your heart.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.