Love and Respect Coaster (6) Set

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We are equal but we are not the same.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.