Building Blocks Study Guide

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We are equal but we are not the same.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.