Building Blocks Study Guide

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)