Love & Respect in the Family

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.