Respectfully Yours - Study Guide (10 pack)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your words reveal your heart.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.