Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

Your words reveal your heart.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We are equal but we are not the same.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.