Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your words reveal your heart.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.