Cuaderno de Amor y Respeto

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your words reveal your heart.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.