The 4 Wills of God

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.