The 4 Wills of God

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We are equal but we are not the same.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.