The 4 Wills of God

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your words reveal your heart.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.