The 4 Wills of God

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.