The 4 Wills of God

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We are equal but we are not the same.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.