The 4 Wills of God

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your words reveal your heart.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.