The 4 Wills of God

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your words reveal your heart.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

We are equal but we are not the same.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.