Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.