Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.