Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.