Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your words reveal your heart.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.