Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We are equal but we are not the same.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.