Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.