Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your words reveal your heart.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.