Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.