Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.