Respectfully Yours - Participant Study Guide (Download)

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your words reveal your heart.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.