Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Your words reveal your heart.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”