Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.