Love & Respect Book

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.