The Language of Love & Respect

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your words reveal your heart.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.