Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We are equal but we are not the same.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your words reveal your heart.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.