Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your words reveal your heart.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.