Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.