Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.