Motivating Your Man God’s Way: Applying One Word That Energizes Him to Love

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.