Love and Respect Husband + Logo Mug

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)