The Illumination Project Journal (10 Pack)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.