14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?