14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your words reveal your heart.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.