14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your words reveal your heart.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God is good and wants what is best for us.