14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.