14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your words reveal your heart.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.