14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.