14 Week Small Group Guide (Download)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your words reveal your heart.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.