Before You Hit Send

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your words reveal your heart.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.