Before You Hit Send

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?