Before You Hit Send

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your words reveal your heart.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.