Before You Hit Send

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.