Before You Hit Send

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your words reveal your heart.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.