Before You Hit Send

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”