Before You Hit Send

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?