Before You Hit Send

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.