Before You Hit Send

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.