Before You Hit Send

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your words reveal your heart.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.