Before You Hit Send

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.