Before You Hit Send

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your words reveal your heart.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.