Before You Hit Send

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.