Before You Hit Send

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your words reveal your heart.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)