Before You Hit Send

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your words reveal your heart.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.