Before You Hit Send

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.