Before You Hit Send

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your words reveal your heart.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.