Before You Hit Send

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your words reveal your heart.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.