Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

God is good and wants what is best for us.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.