Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your words reveal your heart.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.