Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.