Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.