Building Blocks DVD Study - Small Group Kit

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your words reveal your heart.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”