The Illumination Project

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.