Motivating Your Man God’s Way (Book Set and Free CD)

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We are equal but we are not the same.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.