Motivating Your Man God’s Way (Book Set and Free CD)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your words reveal your heart.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.