Motivating Your Man God's Way: Discover One Word that Energizes Him to Love

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your words reveal your heart.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.