Amor y Respeto - Cuaderno De Trabajo: Videoconferencia

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.