The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.