Love & Respect Workbook

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.