Love & Respect Workbook

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your words reveal your heart.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.