Respectfully Yours - Leader's Guide

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires