The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We are equal but we are not the same.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.