The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your words reveal your heart.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?