The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your words reveal your heart.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.