The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?