The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your words reveal your heart.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.