Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your words reveal your heart.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.