Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.