Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your words reveal your heart.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.