Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)