Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your words reveal your heart.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We are equal but we are not the same.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?