Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.