Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We are equal but we are not the same.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.