Respectfully Yours - Leader's Kit

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your words reveal your heart.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.