Building Blocks Study Guide

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your words reveal your heart.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.