Building Blocks Study Guide

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your words reveal your heart.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We are equal but we are not the same.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.