Love & Respect in the Family

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We are equal but we are not the same.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Your words reveal your heart.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.