Love & Respect in the Family

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your words reveal your heart.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We are equal but we are not the same.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)