Love & Respect in the Family

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.