Love & Respect in the Family

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.