Love & Respect in the Family

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.