Love & Respect in the Family

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?