Love & Respect in the Family

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.