Before You Hit Send

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.