Before You Hit Send

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.