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We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your words reveal your heart.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.