Before You Hit Send

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.