Before You Hit Send

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Your words reveal your heart.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.