The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.