The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your words reveal your heart.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?