The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.