The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.