Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.