Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.