The Love and Respect Devotional

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your words reveal your heart.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We are equal but we are not the same.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.