The Love and Respect Devotional

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.