The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.