The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.