The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your words reveal your heart.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.