The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.