Mother & Son

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

the heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.