Love & Respect Workbook

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your words reveal your heart.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.