Love & Respect Workbook

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.