Love & Respect Workbook

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?