Love & Respect Workbook

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.