Love & Respect Workbook

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.