Love & Respect Workbook

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.