Love & Respect Workbook

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.