Love & Respect Workbook

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your words reveal your heart.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.