Love & Respect Workbook

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.