Love & Respect Workbook

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.