Love & Respect Workbook

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We are equal but we are not the same.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.