Love & Respect Workbook

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Your words reveal your heart.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.