The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your words reveal your heart.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We are equal but we are not the same.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.