The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.