The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Your words reveal your heart.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?