The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.