The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.