The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your words reveal your heart.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.