The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We are equal but we are not the same.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.