The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your words reveal your heart.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

We are equal but we are not the same.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.