The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.