Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your words reveal your heart.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.