Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Your words reveal your heart.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.