Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your words reveal your heart.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.