Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We are equal but we are not the same.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?