Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your words reveal your heart.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.