Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Your words reveal your heart.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.