Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your words reveal your heart.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.