Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.