Love & Respect Book

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your words reveal your heart.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.