Love & Respect Book

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?