Love & Respect Book

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.