Love & Respect Book

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Your words reveal your heart.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We are equal but we are not the same.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.