My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

Q: I recently found out my wife is involved in an emotional affair. She says she is in love with him, that she never loved me, and that she feels no passion in our marriage. I still love my wife and want this marriage to work. Is there any hope for us? We have three young children and I am devastated.

Dr. E says:  First of all, yes, there is hope. But you have entered a time of suffering and you will need Godly support and wise counsel to get through this as a man of honor. Thank you for reaching out. Your children are worth every effort!

But don’t conclude that your marriage is over. It isn’t! There is no situation, no marriage, too difficult for God.

My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair!

She Must Choose

Let your wife know you want to work on the marriage, but she must choose. You love her and are willing to stand by her, but she must choose between her marriage and this other man.

If she chooses him, then allow her to leave rather than you leaving. This is her idea, not yours, so she is choosing to leave the home and her children. Allow a period of separation, but let her know you do not want a divorce. State this lovingly and without harshness. Don’t plead and beg. Use this as an opportunity to be the kind of leader God intends, as difficult as this is.

If she leaves, turn your focus to your children and do everything you can to be there for them. Do not give in if she pressures you to leave. This is her decision, and she must be the one to leave the home and her children. You must be the stabilizing force in the home. If she doesn’t return, she will need to deal with the consequences of her decision.

Ask your wife to attend Christian counseling with you, but if she refuses, consider going by yourself. You will need the support.

Time to Heal

If your wife decides to stay, you will need to give the situation some time to heal. She has transferred her emotions to someone else so she does not want to emotionally connect with you right now. This is extremely painful, but you must not let your hurt and pride control you. If you explode or do whatever you have done in the past, you will put a nail in your own coffin. That will simply reinforce to your wife the rightness of her thoughts about why she feels no love for you – because you don’t really love her.

You must kick into the man of honor you are. God will honor your humility. The key in this situation is to wait it out.

Your wife is numb and won’t be herself for many months. She is caught between two worlds and therefore isn’t living in either one. This will take a ton of patience on your part.

Be Humble, Loving, and Strong

This can be temporary, although to her it feels like the “real thing.” Don’t try to get her to tell you that she loves you. Right now her feelings are telling her otherwise, but feelings change. It is very common for someone who “feels” they are in love with someone else to decide they never loved their spouse in the first place. That’s because she is letting the intense feelings of infatuation rule. Don’t let those words devastate you. Don’t put too much stock in them. I know it’s painful, but it’s also likely untrue.

As you walk in humility and love, two big virtues to a female, she can come around. Right now she is living in a world of fantasy that excited the deepest feelings she has as a woman. To her it is love. She feels love and believes she is going to be loved in a way every woman longs to be loved. However, it isn’t parallel with the fallen world that God has clearly revealed in scripture.

We live in a sinful world where perfect love does not exist. Once she awakens to this, she’ll slowly move back to you, given you are the humble and loving, yet strong, very strong man of God that you are called to be.

Don’t Give Up

Yes, this is unfair to you. Yes, this dishonors you. And yes, you are suffering. I don’t minimize any of that!

Regardless, your anger or bitterness won’t bring that point home to your wife any more than she already knows. Seek out a godly wise man who may have gone through a similar situation and get his counsel and support.

Can you do this? As a man of honor, I believe you can. Don’t give up. This really can turn around and would happen far more than we hear if people would not quit too soon.

If you haven’t read Love & Respect, this book will encourage you greatly. Follow the section on “COUPLE: How to Spell Love to Your Wife,” to learn how to unconditionally love your wife through this. Also, chapters 23 and 24 on the Rewarded Cycle will encourage you to keep going.

Your precious children are worth it!

Emerson

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60 thoughts on “My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

  1. Great advice!! But what do men do when the cheating wife moves out with the children? Which is what generally happens. If the father fights for his children, warfare starts between the husband and wife.

    • The man will always pay as courts are stacked against him.In this godless society it doest mater if a husband or wife wants to save their marriage and family the courts always grant the divorce. If people aren’t in feeling like the romance novels and Hollywood movies their out of their it’s all about me generation – culture in short a godless society absent of morals.

  2. I was this woman, though I never proclaimed love for another man. I was surrounded by wonderful, caring, loving husbands – my friends, even my father!! Why wasn’t mine like this? Mine was sneakily viewing porn and trolling online dating sites.
    Please, men, if you find yourself here work on saving your marriage! In retrospect, after a divorce and recently an annulment, I can tell you that this advice followed would have saved our marriage. Patience. Understanding. Be the man of honor you are. It truly is what your wife wants and needs.

  3. I just went through this myself, and got my wife to recommit to our marriage. We both made changes, and are now happier than ever before. I could offer this guy a lot of guidance and advice.

      • Read my story below, mrgr8nesss is me. The short answer is, that I had to change her heart. As you can see below, it did not happen the first time. That’s because the second time is when I decided I had to make some changes myself. I had to pursue her, and win her heart again, like I do now every day. I had to start paying attention to her, like I should have. I had to become the one that she poured out to emotionally. I had to show her, that I can be that guy. I gave her instant forgiveness the second time, even though it had become a little physical. God forgives our sin, and I am certainly not above Him! Another big thing is I drew her closer instead of pushing her away, as instinct tells you to do. At the same time, I made it clear that I would not tolerate it happening any more, and if it continued, she would be the one who would have to leave. Last but not least, DO NOT GIVE UP!! She is longing for you to fight for her!

        • Praise God! I like your thoughts here! ” Do Not Give Up! she is longing for you to fight for her!”. Your wife must be so grateful to God for having you,a man who fights for her. It’s one quality i want to see in men but never saw it or felt it from my husband. My desperation became great when at present,my husband is having an affair again and wants an annulment but he doesn’t work it out. I am seeking for good advices for now.

  4. I just discovered love & respect. my husband and I are going thru the same type of situation. he stepped outside of our marriage. in doing so, he mentally willed it over between us because he thought I would not want to go on with him. I chose to fight for my marriage…my husband who I truly love and can forgive.
    it’s been over a year and a half and we’re still struggling. it seems that were just now finally able to talk about stuff. it’s been difficult to say the least and now he feels separation will help us. he says he needs come to be himself….whoever that is. I am at a total loss too.

  5. Very, very good advice. I believe that one point needs to be stressed. The gentleman is not at all at fault in this situation. He needs to be validated on that point. And another big problem is if she leaves the children leave with her.

  6. My wife and I separated at the end of January because she was considering divorce. I took the time to get my relationship with God back in focus and in April I moved back home. It took a couple months to sort through some things(her emotional affair getting physical) but we started getting better. Last week she informed me that she was moving out with the kids as well. She says that she wants things to work out but that she can’t be in the same house with me right now. She says I’m smothering her. Her plan is to get together with me one day a week for a couple weeks to talk about things then start marriage counseling in hopes of reconciling. The thing is, her actions and attitude don’t portray that. It feels like she is only saying that to keep me calm. She has restarted her friendship with the other guy and says they are just friends. I don’t know what to do. I’m seeking God and godly counsel and trying to make changes that I need to make in me. Please help!

    • Hi, very sorry to hear what you are going through. DO NOT GIVE UP !!! Pray, pray and pray. There is so much power in the prayer of a spouse for his/her spouse. Pray that she would hate the sin in her life. Pray for a Holy Conviction that would bring her to repentance. Take all this hurt you feel and use it to get back at the enemy for trying to destroy your marriage. During this time also keep your eyes focused on God, I know this next advice will be hard but keep your heart guarded from your wife, even maybe keep yourself distant from her onto she is ready to fully commit to you and turn away from this affair. In your darkest night turn to God, He is able to turn your hurt and loneliness into joy and give you comfort. God Bless!

      • Thank you for the advice. Tonight I told her that I can’t keep putting myself out there and telling her I love her just to have it ignored and taken for granted. I wrote her a letter with the same info in it. The letter also talked about how she used to have such a strong relationship with God and how she used to dance for Him and that I hope she can sort that out because her relationship with Him is the most important thing. I told her that I will always love her and will be here when she is ready. I gave her a key ring that says “I <3 U" on it and told her that she can look at that and know that I love her and will be here for her without having to hear it right now. I'm distancing myself right now. She says she is moving out very soon with the kids and is still planning to meet up once a week to talk about things and then go to counseling after a few weeks. Please pray for her…

  7. Sadly this is a big part of what destroyed my marriage. I did leave after a year but circumstances got to the position it was better to be out of our home. It was addressed so often but I was told it was my insecurities for years, when he wanted out, he declared his love within days to her over the phone. He walked away from God and family. We are currently in the sad process of a divorce I do not want for I love him, I choose forgiveness.

  8. My husband and I are separated because of his emotional affair and he is saying he is changing things and wants out of the relationship (with the other woman). He is having a difficult time getting out because he now has a baby boy with her. Since the beginning he has been saying he doesn’t want a divorce but he wouldnt leave her. We also have a son together. He doesnt want to divorce me and neither do I. I’m willing to work things out but I’m having a very difficult time thinking of how this would work. Im in that suffering stage and caught in a very difficult situation. I dont know what to do. What advice could you give me?

    • I just want to say I am very sorry that you are going through this. I would suggest that if your husband wants to fully restore his marriage, he will have to work very hard at building trust. In a situation like yours this means having the mother of his child only call the house phone, not on his cell. When he goes to pick up and drop off his son you or someone else should be present with him every time. Even seeking Christian counseling through your Pastors or church leaders. Most importantly keep your hope in the Lord, you will need lots of time to heal and be able to trust again. Even in this situation like yours God is able to work things out for good.

      • I completely agree with you. Thank you for the advice. This has been very helpful. I will pray for God to continue to help me through this. Phil. 4:13

  9. My Husband did this exact thing to me, I was encouraged by your advice…and I actually can see, looking back, that I did what you advised all on my own… It’s wonderful advice. Thank you for making it so clear.

  10. This is awesome. But for me it is the other way. My husband is the one who had an emotional affair. He’s the one who told me that he doesn’t love me anymore the way that he used to love me. We are just 3 months married and now he is telling me this. He said that he just forced himself to love me…

  11. Never give up on your marriage. God put you two together, knowing this would happen. He will guide you through all of this. Concentrate on Him. Let His love shine through you.
    The hurt you feel right now is real (I know exactly how you feel). You are not alone. Others have been in your situation. You are NOT alone. Concentrate on Him and focus on His face.
    He will help you get through this.
    Let Him change you into the man He wants you to be. His love will allow you to grow. This situation is not the end. God has a plan. This is not the end.
    Trust in Him. Put all your trust in Him. Cling to Him. He will bring you through this.
    Never give up. He will carry you through.

    • Thank you, that is awesome. My wife is doing the same right now. Focusing on God and my walk. Has been going on 2.5 years now, the first year I knew nothing about. We have had ups and downs along the way, redemptive love has been my approach. Tons of rejection, hard to take, but God is blessing me with His strength and grace to carry me through. Which just tells me even more He wants me to fight for our marriage, extremely difficult. Thank you for your reply, it really hit home, God Bless!

  12. The loneliness in your heart only can be filled with God, all of us have that loneliness. Turning to someone or something is only a destruction to your life. Pray for the wisdom.

  13. This is very well written piece and I’d like to share my experience of not doing the above. Among other things I plead and begged and was rewarded with my wife going from one affair to a new affair on one occassion. I’ll be honest she sort of got off on how she was hurting me it seems. Personally this has been devastating to me and given me some sort of PTSD. I felt I was doing the right thing at the time but in retrospect I feel week and I’m embarrassed of my actions. My wife has had several affairs over the course of our marriage and expressed how she wished she wasn’t a wife and/or mother. I should have let her have her cake at various times she was ready to eat it so to speak.

    Now we live in a sort of impasse if you will as long as there are no more affairs and some other areas I’ve decided are deal breakers… like going to bars, coming home drunk, etc… I tried to be the best husband I could to her and loving her with all my heart only to be disrespected and taken for granted… Being a full time dad is my primary goal in life at present. The sad truth is that I married someone with a ton of baggage and not a very Godly woman.

    In summary, if your wife is having an emotional affair follow the steps above to the letter. It will not be easy…. especially if you find yourself totally blind sided by it. Do it… absolutely do it. Even if you have to force yourself to do it and it doesn’t feel natural DO IT!

  14. It’s amazing how common this is. As someone who recently went through this, there are a few things that people should know who are going through it right now. The first thing is don’t make a hasty decision out of hurt and/or anger. I took almost a solid month to decide to stay with my wife. You both need this time, which is almost time apart. You will both figure out then, which direction your heart will take you. Once we decided to move forward together, we both made changes to better our marriage. Better communication was the big key. Setting up regular dates, along with random quality time, dramatic increase in affection, saying I love you more, and of course more time in the bedroom. Basically turning back the hands of time, to when we first started dating. It had slowly slipped away over time, having kids, house, busy jobs, etc. She is also entirely open to me. I know where she is and with who at all times. I have access to her social media account, email, phone records, texts, etc. And yes, she has access to all mine. This is vital I believe. Some may view it as invasion of privacy, but to me, two flesh become one, and everything is shared. It’s not a big deal if you have nothing to hide. There is no “mine”, only “ours” in a successful marriage. Openness is also the only way to build or rebuild trust. There is no other way. I would be glad to share my experience and offer additional advice to anyone who needs it.

    • Thank you for posting this, it gives me hope. I was told on Aug 9 that my husband is having an emotional affair and he told me he isn’t happy and wants a divorce. He does not want to work it out or give up the affair. He claims he needs time for himself but is still emailing sexual content to her. I told him I want to save our marriage but he is completely set on divorce. I am looking to God for guidance but have much hurt and struggle.

      • Do not give up! If you value your marriage, you must fight for it with everything you have. His heart is cold right now, but you can still change it. Be prepared, that it could take time, and a lot of work, and may require change on your part as well as his. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but after self reflection, I realized that I was not doing everything I could to keep our marriage as good as it could be. We both got lazy, took what we have for granted, let things get stale, and lost our relationship with God. It didn’t happen overnight, but over time, just as her affair did. A guy at work was perfect to vent to about the workplace, then he became easy to talk to about personal life. Occasional phone calls turned into hidden phone calls every day while I was working. Chats in the office turned into meeting for lunch and private conversations in the car. And yes, it turned mildly physical as well. I heard it all too, she doesn’t love me anymore, maybe never loved me, wants a divorce. It is all the enemy setting in, and the enemy CAN be beat. I didn’t win the first time, the affair ended for 3 months, then started again, and got physical this time. I could have easily laid down and gave up. Who would have blamed me? In fact, the few people that knew, tried to convince me that leaving was the best. I took God into my heart at this point. As hard as it was not to withdrawl further from my wife, I pulled her closer, and loved her even more. I showed her that this guy was nothing than false promises and a parasite, and would ultimately take away everything. I can tell that she sees it clearly now. I had to bring myself and her to God. I had to be a forgiver, instead of being bitter and withdrawn. It was SO hard, but it can be done. Don’t give up!

  15. I am going through the same thing but its my husband that had an emotional affair and has moved out of home. I am with the three kids and not knowing what to do. Please guide me the right way and fight for my marriage of 20 years.

  16. Here’s a situation I’m facing, what if she will not choose, and won’t leave. Just carries on no matter how it makes me feel or what I say? What do you do then?

  17. My marriage has lacked all unity, Christian or otherwise, for years. I finally got sick of it enough that I asked her for a separation and moved out. The time alone, just me and God, showed me the depth and the utter stupidity of my sin, and I realized that 1) I needed to repent, and 2) I still loved her with all my heart. However… She doesn’t want me to move back, doesn’t want counseling, and says she feels only pity for me. I know that God can and will work wonders, but for now, I am hurting worse than I believed possible.

  18. My wife admitted to me yesterday that she was having an emotional affair with a coworker because she “isn’t happy with her life”. We have 2 children together and she has one from a previous marriage. I’m emotionally numb. She never shared her feelings of unhappiness with me before now l so needless to say I’m feeling numb right now. Prayers would be welcome as well as any advice. Thank you. -N

    • Hi N. This happened to me too….a couple months ago. I’m approaching two months soon. My wife’s affair occurred because she was feeling emotionally unsatisfied at home. However, I was always supportive of her and always an active parent and an active husband. In my wife’s case, she began feeling like she couldn’t talk much with me because it would create conflict. On my side, I was actually trying to get her to talk more to me, but the more I tried, the more she resented me for trying. In retrospect I don’t think I would have done it different, because I always felt like not visiting/talking would certainly lead to the end of our marriage. Eventually she had an affair with someone she works with because that person provided an easy ear for listening (something I thought I was always providing too). But, I believe it had something to do with the person being a NEW person. I later learned she felt her life with me was getting stagnant. I could finally understand things. I have reason to believe she is still silently communicating with this person (email, etc…) but I’m letting her heal. I tell her I love her, and she sometimes tells me she loves me too. The problem is she never initiates it. Although she will claim she is not ready for divorce and wants to work out our marriage, she doesn’t seem to show initiative much. We go on date nights lots now. I tell her I’m suffering but she doesn’t seem to care about my feelings right now. She did when I found out, then she slipped further away, then showed more care again, slipped further again but not as far, etc… It’s getting a little easier for me and maybe her, but it is in such a slow motion fix that I hate it. I pray and pray. I offerred forgiveness to her when the affair was discovered. God wants that. I continue to pray she will rediscover the love I have for her and our kids.

  19. My husband was having an emotional affair with a woman at our church. They were texting several times a day, and when I was out of town they apparently talked on the phone a lot and she even came over for dinner. (I am not sure if anything more than that ever happened.) I never confronted my husband about it except to tell him that I believed that this woman had a crush on him and that he should be careful to draw clear boundaries with her because even a rumor could compromise his leadership in our church. As hard as it was, I never said anything else about it. I prayed and was still, letting God fight my battle. Now, a few months later, my husband seems to have had a change of heart and is even going to counseling with me. I am going to continue to leave it to God and to resist my own lust for vindication. Remaining humble and loving is so hard, and it is only by the grace of God that I can stay in this marriage each day and try to make it work, trying to truly forgive. And I have faith that God will see us through this and that we will come out of this shining forth like gold.

  20. I am numb, I don’t know what to do. I am in the military and have been married for nearly two years, I have two step children with my wife, and we have been apart the whole time as she is not able to move to be with me because of custody arrangements. The first year was hard but good, I messed up at the start of our marriage by lying about my porn addiction. I have since gotten help for that and I’m doing very well. My wife has always been open and honest with me, and about 6 months ago, she told me she has had enough of the distance and me not being there and has started cheating on me physically. Now she is having an active affair with someone who I don’t know, but she has been honest with me about it and hasn’t really hid it. I am devestated and have had many hurtful conversations with her because I keep trying to fight for her and be the Godly husband, I don’t yell and I do my best to be patient with her and calm and loving, but she keeps telling me we should just end it. I don’t want a divorce, and I honestly don’t believe she wants one either, if she did I think she would have filed by now. I want to save my marriage because I believe in her, I believe God brought us together and has a plan for us, and I believe she is worth it. She told me last night that she loves me but doesn’t feel she is in love with me right now. I believe she wants me and needs me home, but she hasn’t given me any positive verbal reinforcement in about a month. I’m scheduled to be back home with her for good in 2 months. She has told me that she isn’t happy with me, she resents me, and she is happy with this guy, and that she plans to continue the affair while I’m not there. I’m at a loss, I don’t know what to do. I feel God has turned His back on me and doesn’t hear my cries for help.

    • EDIT – The reasons my wife gives for her behavior is always becuase she needs attention and I’m not there to give it to her and because she resents me for not being there to help with anything.

      • First of all, thank you for your service. I am sorry this happens to so many of our military folks. I think she really needs to seek counseling. At a minimum she needs to get some emotional support from someone who cares about both of you and your marriage. I encourage you to continue to fight and not give up! You need to stress to her that you are forgiving, and are committed to saving your marriage, but at the same time you need the same commitment from her, and she needs to stop the behavior. If she attends church, I strongly suggest she seek church counsel. If your church has a marriage ministry, she should attend. You should commit to attend with her, once you return home. Good luck and please keep us posted.

  21. My husband of 25 years is in an emotional and possibly more likely then not physical affair… This has been going on for 5 years… Our family is in complete devastation… He is a complete stranger to us. He chose to go in to business with this woman and her husband … against mine and our children’s wishes… Our children are young adults. The relationship between was already destroying our family and we begged him not to do it, there was no praying about it. It was “I’m doing it with or with out you” I put my name on it because I was trying to support him and I was afraid of him being alone with her, but 6 weeks in to I walked out. She treated me awful and my husband backed her in everything. She was awful to me and to our children who also tried to support the business. My husband claims he never saw anything, yet we would tell him what she was doing and he would close his ears to it… Prior to the business I even confronted her and she acted sincere… being that we were supposed to be friends, I thought she would respect my feelings and back off, especially since she to was married with a family… But no. She used things I shared with her against me and would do things she knew I didn’t like just get make me upset like hang on my husband and rub against him, or partner up with him in a game and make me partner with her husband… I filed for separation back in August but it hasn’t gone through yet… Since then God has really placed on my heart to fight for my marriage. We are about to lose everything… I met with a pastor out of state, who has spoken over our lives in the past and one thing he told me was I am not to be intimate with him until he is committed to this marriage, bc right now it is purely physical with him. … I want to be with my husband but it leaves my so broken and empty. … as for the kids… They are so hurt. Their father they once adored and loved, who was such a role model to them has broken their heart. Which kills me not to mention my heart has been shattered as well… We were once in youth ministry and even marriage ministry, we’ve hosted and facilitated Love and Respect many times. And now look at us…..

  22. What do you do if she is always on Facebook when we are together? She cheated on me all ready. And she keeps her phone locked. When I ask who she is texting she says her friends. I have not given up but some days it is hard. She hugs me but that is it.

  23. Incredible and accurate advice. As having this experience in my own life, I can concur that these are very, very wise words, indeed.

  24. We Teach Love and Respect for our church. Eye opening content and the videos are powerful… I’m the wife and my husband brought me back from a similar abyss. I’m not proud of it but I am sincerely grateful to him and to God for saving us. We are 33 years strong now…

  25. Pray, as well, that she will come around. If you really want to keep her, make her love you again, she wouldn’t have 3 children with you if she hasn’t loved you before., She will love you again, just show her how it was before with you two.

  26. I am a beautiful Christian wife. I work hard and wake up daily asking how can I assist my husband and when he did this same thing to me, I was devastated too. I naturally did all the things Emerson suggest even while I was hurting. Right now he communicates better and listens more. I pray for his strength and never blame him or allow him to take blame. I ask him to free himself from guilt but recognize the pattern of behavior that got him in Satan’s hands. He’s making very slow changes, he has some apparent withdrawal issues. God, however, is in control. I love deeply so I am wounded deeply but God can work this out… I know!

  27. As an attorney, my response would be, get a Christian lawyer to assist you with maneuvering the legal system. Too often individuals enter the legal system on their own and when things do not go their way they speak badly about the system. I can honestly say that I have helped many of my clients to re-consider getting a divorce and acting out of bitterness.

    On another note, I appreciate your articles, they definitely breathe life.

  28. Good information but what if the man my wife is having the emotional affair with she says she is not in love with but loves. She has given herself to him with everything except the physical part a relationship has. She say she wants to work things out but does not want to stop her relationship with this other man. Also, I see how she seeks the attention of men and says she doesn’t but her actions say otherwise. I love her with everything in me and want to make our marriage work. I just know right now if I ask her to choose me or him…she will pick him. What do I do?

  29. Dude your advice is impossible. So when the other person sins I have to become more perfect to win her back. It’s like Mark Gungor, ‘be perfect so your wife will have sex with you.’ Flip it around and admit how flawed we both are, and that God’s commandment in marriage is not predicated on how we feel, or how perfect we are, or whether life has been fair. It says if we believe and honor Him we are to leave and cleave, period, put Him first and our spouse second. My wife is an adulteress who needs to be called to repentance not coddled and cow-towed to. I repented and to this day when I sin I repent, nobody ever sat around trying to make themselves more perfect so that I wouldn’t sin. It’s just not even biblical, I’m sorry. I’m not interested in woo-ing a lying adulteress back into my arms. If she relents I will forgive her. Until then I have to struggle with continuing to believe in a God who allows such unbelievable pain to befall those who seek him for a godly spouse.

    I know God never sins, but I also know that I sought him earnestly for a godly wife before I ever married and that woman has never arrived. So where does that leave my relationship with God?

  30. God alone can heal a hurting, broken and even dead marriage. He did it for me … My marriage was dead to this world …. But I had faith that the God who spoke this world into existence can speak life to my marriage and he did …. My heart has been changed and my husbands heart has also been changed into a new person. After living with a man who was having a deep affair with someone he was willing to make his wife after divorcing me, his plans were totally turned around by God and Gods will prevailed. There is nothing that can phase God nothing is impossible .. Even a marriage where the husband is constantly declaring that he does not love the wife or does not want the marriage or family .. This is nothing for God to change … I am living proof that prayer fasting and faith work on our behalf when we have complete trust in the God of Israel, in Jesus his son and in the power of the Holy Spirit!

  31. It was my husband who had an emotional and physical affair 10 years ago. We worked it out for the kids. Only 5 yes ago did he start going to church and have godly friends. He seems to have moved on, but I will sometimes get stuck in the past when he talks to certain women. Just because of the pain of finding him with the other women and the way he looked at her, left huge scars. How do I block the past and be happy in our marriage? I love him but don’t fully trust him even after ten years.

  32. Dr. E, what if it’s the other way around? My husband of six years, together for nine, fell for someone from work about half year ago. He said it was love at first sight and he has such strong feelings for her which he has never felt for anyone. We’ve had a rocky relationship mired with fights due to his lack of love for me (according to him he never really loved me) and my consequent disrespect. When I say lack of love I really mean it, he has told me he married me out of guilt and responsibility. That has hurt me so much but because I love him I kept trying to work things out. Even during my pregnancy he was very unloving.
    We started couples therapy at around the time he met the other woman. He did not disclose it until last week when I casually asked if he’s ever had feeling for someone else. I find it extremely hard to accept this emotional betrayal when we were just re-committing ourselves for one last try at saving our marriage. He allowed his emotions to develop when we were still working on our relationship.
    Given that he never loved me the way I need to be loved, and the humiliating fact that I’ve begged for love unsuccessfully for 9 years, I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. I want to have happiness. I’m scared I’ll be forever miserable in this relationship. I’ve just told him we were done and he said he has drawn a line with the other woman and was ready to commit to our relationship. I told him I just couldn’t.
    In the past few days, however, I’ve been listening to your audiobook and it is putting a big question mark in my head -am I about to break up something that has the potential to be healed? But I’m also not sure if his love can be forced towards me and if I can really be ok with him seeing this woman at work every day.
    Please help!

    • I believe in every marriage the main factor is the God factor. Not only did you make a vow to your spouse but also to God. Understand that we all have to put our feelings aside and remember God gets the final word. The story that comes mind is Hosea and Gomer. God spoke to Hosea and said these words ”go and love your wife again. ‘ every marriage is worth a fight. My wife left me for another man but the promise that I’m holding on to is found in Mark 10:9 ”what god put together let no man separate”. And because my marriage is sacred before God, God will make sure her affair relationship is not going to work.

    • I think you need to give him time to decide what he wants, along with you deciding what you want. If he chooses you, and you accept, he needs to break off all contact with the other woman, or the temptation will always be there. He is going to have to quit his job. There is no other way to move forward. He is also going to have to be completely open with you. This includes always knowing where he is, who he is with, access to cell phone, text messages, social media, email, etc. You need passwords for everything, you have to make this part of the deal. If you do move forward, you also need to stress that you will not tolerate any more cheating. Last but not least, draw him closer to you. Make sure to fulfill each other in all areas. Good luck, and keep us posted.

  33. Have you considered that the emotional affair began because the husband showed no love for his wife or children? Our marriage started out AWESOME…then life happened….kids came along, Momma-in-law bad mouthed and remained jealous, computer games became his life. No matter what I did I was never good enough and the kids were ALWAYS in his way (even when they were asleep in their own room in their own bed). It came to the point of physical violence and him stating, “I HATE God and we ARE NOT going to do what God wants us to do because He hurt ME too bad…” We were in full-time ministry for several years and we went through storms like everybody else…including the death of a child. Through this I always stood by him. I never told anyone, not even my mom and best friend, about what was going on in our home. I was covering bruises on my girls with makeup so people wouldn’t ask questions. We went through this for a total of 9 years. I was always bragging to My kids about how AWESOME their daddy was the entire time begging God to fix me because I was told that I was the one not right with God and if I would just get My heart right God would fix my marriage. My breaking point was when I tried to kiss my husband goodnight and he knocked me head over hills off the bed and said, “I don’t want you.” He says he doesn’t remember doing or saying this. He then rolled over and went back to sleep. It was that point I said “God , I’m done…he doesn’t love me or the kids. I’m done trying to make this work when he hates me and he feels stuck and acts like he wants out.” There was a man (in our church ironically) who was paying attention to my girls and to me. I babysat for him one day and my heart just broke. I was already broken and very fragile. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and he freaked out begging me to stay…I stayed. We moved to a different town (which is what God wanted us to do 3 years prior to this point). My husband did a 180 degree turn around. He is totally NOT the man he was 3 years ago. HE LOVES ME! I stayed because I didn’t want my kids to be a statistic of a broken home and thus far we have survied the storms of an almost broken marriage. We both have changed and grown! I am so thankful that GOD worked on us both in healing physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am head over hills in love with my best friend and I am so THANKFUL GOD KEPT US TOGETHER!!!

    • This past June I found out my wife slept with another man.she has begging and pleading for her forgiveness I say I said I forgive her but I still have a dead feeling inside toward her I still love her but I don’t feel the same towards her as before. She tries to shower and for her love all over me but I don’t feel the same. I feel she broke our bond our connection by sharing it with another. Last year I gave up my career uprooted our family and follows her in her career path throughout that year she lashed out on us and the kids disrespecting me and our children showing no love and then topped it off by seeking infection somewhere else I know I’m not to look back and they say it will have a part in the relationship what do i do where do I go from here I’m lost with and confused about my emotions and my feelings

  34. Too bad my X and I had none of the good help we needed. She took up negative interpretation and me to court for a divorce and her 50%…

  35. This was us and yes it was the most difficult chapter in my life thus far. But God is bigger than any affair and healed our marriage. We are now best friends and happier than ever. Miracles do happen

  36. Okay I found out she had sex with another man. she has been begging me to forgive her for months and I am still struggling.I’m consider leaving even knowing what the church advises. I’m still having trouble with what I feel inside I gave up a career followed her to support her career and went through a lot of verbal abuse then the betrayal. I love her but still am fighting the amount of disrespect and lack Of love I received. Specially after the how much I sacrificed

  37. I wish I could of seen this a year ago me and my wife went through this same thing and I went about it the wrong way now I’m on the verge of divorce we have 4 young kids and I’m hurting really bad right now I want my wife back
    Thanks for the help