How Openness Connects with Sexuality

Here’s something you husbands may want to try.  Go out with some married couples for dinner, and as you dine, ask them to share the story of how they met and eventually got married.  Draw them out and let them talk.  Then share how you met your wife and describe what you felt about her as you dated and courted her.  Assuming you can say it honestly, express that you feel the same way about her today and, if you could go back in time, you would pursue her again for the same reasons.

Guys, talking about how much you love your wife is a turn-on for her.  And because the Energizing Cycle in marriage operates according to the “if-then” principle, if you talk about your love for her, then she is likely to do something respectful in return.  In fact, we’ve noticed that if a husband chooses to openly share heart-to-heart with his wife, then she may be motivated to be open to him sexually.  However, this should never be the motive. I am simply pointing out how they often go hand-in-hand.  And if your sex life is suffering, you may need to take a look at whether you are meeting her emotional needs.

Over the years I have heard many women tell me, “I enjoy sex, but I cannot respond to his harshness.  If he would not angrily react to me in ways that hurt, and if he would just tell me he loves me, I would be far more responsive.”  Men – these are words worth noting.

As for wives, if your husband is not interested in meeting your need for open heart-to-heart sharing, might you be neglecting sexual intimacy?  In an email, one wife relates that she knows sex is very important to her husband and that God created sex to bind husband and wife together.

She continues:

Over the past few months I have been praying, “Lord, help me be a responsive, fun wife in the bedroom.”  Praying like this…knowing I am honoring God (He created sex anyway) as I’m honoring my husband has been very freeing…I know my husband has noticed a difference because he is more available to me emotionally and conversationally.  We are more “one” – and not just in the bedroom.  We fight less and enjoy each other more.

What can you do in your marriage this week to improve your openness and your sexual intimacy?  Try the “if-then” principle and get on the Energizing Cycle!

~Emerson

Excerpts taken from The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.