The Love & Respect Experience (Audiobook)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.