His Sentimental Desire for Respect

What Is The Issue?

As a wife on that special day, have you ever written your husband a respect card? God designed women as incurable romantics when it comes to love, but this blinds some of them to the husband’s need for respect. What is the issue? 

Wives get that men can be clueless about these romantic yearnings for love. However, wives can be equally clueless about what stirs the hearts of husbands as it relates to honor and respect. 

The depth of feeling about love stirs in the hearts of women hour by hour and exceeds anything most men can imagine, but some wives are unobservant and unmindful of what ignites a husband emotionally. 

Listen to this man who “gets it” about his wife, but he feels overlooked. “As a husband, I am the one who has the interest in, and does all the reading on marriage in our relationship. I am a missionary, and I have a lovely, godly wife who is very devoted to serving in the church. We both graduated from a renowned Bible school in Chicago. Ten years ago, I was reading all the books. I determined to unconditionally do all the things they were saying a wife needs: dates, non-sexual touching, bedroom tea parties, walking-talking, shopping. She absolutely loved it. But she was clueless as to what I needed. I think the absence of this respect message is one of the main reason 25 years of Christian family ministries have failed to affect the divorce rate." 

While we easily recognize that women’s sentimentality for love is off the charts, how did we miss the strong sentiments men possess for respect and honor? We really shouldn’t be surprised. Look at how men tear up at movies like Saving Private Ryan or the Gladiator. But let me return to the men in a moment. 

As for the sentimentality of a woman, think of the mother who sends her six-year old son off to school for the first time. Tears flood her eyes as she returns home and then wanders into his bedroom. While there, her mind thinks about how quickly time passes. Just a “few days ago” she gave birth to him, and she thinks, in just a “few days” we will attend his college graduation, and then we will say “goodbye” to him forever from our home. He will no longer sleep in this bedroom. All will soon pass. She bawls. 

In walks her husband who sees her crying and asks, “What’s wrong?” 

She blurts out, “Nothing.” She wants to tell him, but unlike her mother, sisters, and best girlfriend, she feels uncertain he can empathize. She wishes he could understand, and she even tries to get him to understand on occasion, but she knows he cannot identify with her. She believes he is holding back from rolling his eyes and saying, “Don’t be so emotional. We are not packing him for college yet. We have twelve years before his freshman year, and sixteen until he graduates, I hope." 

Mothers encounter their sentimental nature on a daily basis. Their excessive tenderness and nostalgia is clear to anyone watching. Are you observing? I am. This sentimentality manifests itself on the romantic front—constantly. 

The other day, while at the pharmacy, I received a flu shot. Before I received the shot, the female pharmacist asked if I had high blood pressure. 

“Only when I look at my wife.” 

Immediately, she looked up at me, her face softened, she smiled, and expressed what every woman does at that instant, “OOOOOhhhhhhh. That’s sooo sweeeet." 

Women cannot help this response. When they hear a touching relational story, their sentimental side kicks in, and it totally takes over. They cannot NOT respond. God designed them as incurable romantics. Think “chick flick,” and ask Hollywood writers if I am right. In the movie industry, they know all too well about a woman’s sentimentality. 

No one really argues that women are non-sentimental. Instead, the argument revolves around the appropriate methods that should be used to get men to be more sentimental (while remaining masculine and strong) like women. 

Yes, I can hear some of you. Some men are more sentimental than some wives. I concur. But even here, the men typically feel insecure for some reason, so they work more aggressively at doing romantic things. This is certainly the case with the man whose wife informs him that she no longer is in love with him. At this point, the man pursues her as he did during courtship. He writes cards, brings flowers, and wants to talk; crisis and insecurity typically drives this. 

Yes, there are some wives who declare, “I am a woman, and I am less sentimental than my husband.” Again, that’s fine. All I am trying to say is that, generally speaking, women are the more sentimental ones. 

Ask the card makers. Overwhelmingly, the cards are written for the vast majority of women who are the sentimentalists. I can prove it with two points. 

First, the cards that are purchased by the men for their wives are written with the wives in mind. The card says to the wives what the wives want to hear from their husbands when it comes to love. When he stands at the rack two or three times a year, if he senses the card does not say about love what she wants to hear, he won’t buy it. Second, and here is the fascinating part, the cards that are purchased by the women for their husbands are written with the wives in mind. The card says from the wives what the wives want to say to their husbands when it comes to love. If the card does not say about love what she wants to say, she won’t buy it. 

Bottom line, the love-sentiments of the wife drive card purchases. Wives must feel good on both sides of the equation, and the card industry knows this. 

Who stands in front of the card racks across the country? Women—and they are smiling, and lingering, and feeling positive energy. When a man is there, he is either in trouble and looking for a card to ease his wife’s heart, or as he walked by he noticed the cards for Valentine’s Day and realized he should get a card. 

This is not stated to castigate the male, but to reveal that he is not as sentimental about matters of love. Now, if the cards revolved around honor, respect, Navy Seals, sports, courage, strength, rescue, protection, etc., he’d stop. But there is no such card rack. And why would there be? He doesn’t buy those cards for himself, and his wife definitely would not purchase them. As a culture, we have not figured out how to tap into the male soul. If we did, the card industry would monetize it. 

Why Is This An Issue? 

I know this because I have been proclaiming the vital importance of writing “Respect Cards” to men. And I used to sell these cards, but women wouldn’t buy them from me since they did not sound loving enough. Thus, what the man feels about hearing “I respect you" runs secondary, if not antithetical, to what the wife feels about saying “I love you.” She buys a love card and misses her husband’s deepest soul. Thus Valentine’s Day, or the anniversary, revolves around what women feel, not what men need. 

At one level, I have no problem with this. God made women this way. I celebrate His design. My mom was this way. My wife is this way. This is wholesome and good. After all, God says in Ephesians 5:33 that husbands must love their wives. 

But what about the husbands? Ephesians 5:33 instructs wives to respect their husbands, and 1 Peter 3:1, 2 also reveals that a wife’s respect is the key to opening the heart of her husband. Respect wins the heart of even a disobedient husband. 

When we fail to see the other half of the equation called "the husband," then we miss out on something important—something very important to God. 

A wife writes, "I am starting to see what you are saying. This Love and Respect book so relates to my husband and me!!! Thank you. Just today I was in a Christian bookstore and saw the Valentine’s cards. I began to read them, and none of them had anything to do with respect!!! I was disappointed. When I got home, I next read page 48 about greeting cards…. No wonder my husband doesn't care too much for my much thought over lovey dovey cards over the years!! I get it! I am going to think of a way to show him I unconditionally respect him this Valentine’s Day instead..." 

Sadly, and here is what works against many wives, they long for romance and love but overlook the extent to which they appear disrespectful. This isn’t all about being respectful, but lessening the disrespect. Because they yearn for the love, they pay little attention to how disrespectful they come across when they feel unloved. 

I call it the Crazy Cycle: without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love. It spins. But there is a silver lining here. This Crazy Cycle explains why the husband appears unloving. He feels disrespected. A breakthrough comes when a wife awakens to the reality that her husband is not unloving, but that she has been naively disrespectful. For many, this proves to be a huge relief. 

Listen to this wife’s discovery about herself. "One Sunday in December, I cried and cried because I felt inside that I was empty of trying. I had lost the will to hope, and I wondered why I had ever believed so strongly that romantic love could exist long-term... I longed for romance and to make our marriage great (friendship, roses on Valentine’s Day, going out on our anniversary), and wondered how he could be content with a so-so relationship. When he listened to the Love and Respect tape, we agreed; you nailed it for us. He felt during the first year of our marriage I had let the General out of the closet. I had tried to explain I was just being honest and vulnerable. Thank you for identifying unconditional love and respect for us in ways we could easily absorb, understand, and apply. What a tremendous difference you've made in our lives." 

Her metaphor of letting the General out of the closet referred to her acting like a mean drill instructor. Her, in your face, disrespect shut him down, but she didn’t see it because she fixated on her need for romance and love. Once she discovered that her husband wasn’t unloving, but that she had been disrespectful, a whole new relationship opened up. Wives want to work on their marriage, but often they do not know what to do. Once they see what to do, everything changes. 

How Is This Issue Solved? 

So, what can a wife do? Apart from being less disrespectful on Valentine’s Day, or any day on which you decide to write a card to your husband, begin by writing a respect card, not a love card. 

A person wrote to me, "Karri is taking your advice and working hard at respecting him on a daily basis. She is seeing amazing results. She also wrote her husband a respect letter for Valentine's Day about the only thing she could think of respecting him for, his Little League coaching. He didn’t say much, but the next work day, he left a note on the kitchen table telling her how much he loved her and the boys. A BIG step for him. She told him how much that note made her FEEL LOVED, and he initiated a big, heartfelt hug—another first, and very unlike him. She continued her respectful behavior. A few days later, he sent her an e-mail from work telling her how thankful he was for all of the things she does for the family and listed them, and how much he loved her for it. She called and told him how much it meant to hear him say that. The next day, he went and got groceries for her and brought home flowers, something he NEVER does.........and the cycle continues!!!!" 

When a wife genuinely expresses to her husband that she respects him, he tends to soften and turn toward her. 

This Valentine’s Day, I recommend making a respect card, even though it feels counterintuitive.

As I say, “Beyond Your Words of Love, Say It His Way, the Card He Will Keep." He won’t throw that card away. For instance, here is a card he won’t discard. “I was thinking of you today, how you would literally die for me. That is an overwhelming thought to me. Thank you. With all my respect, the one who still admires you." 

Not only do men get sentimental and tears form in their eyes, they take the card to the office and set it on their desk. Then, an unmarried male co-worker comes in and sees the card sitting there. The worker starts to mock, “Oh, did your sweetie write a love note? How many pink hearts did she draw? How many X’s and O’s? How many LUV’s? Did she leave the smell of her perfume?” As he picks up the card and reads it, there is stunned silence until he emotionally and humbly asks, “Does she have a sister?"