Her Craving for a Story 

What Is The Issue?

As a wife, do you want that special day to be special so you have a story to tell your girlfriends? 

Some wives have shared with me that a special occasion, like Valentine’s Day, is important to her so she can have a story to share with her girlfriends and sisters. 

What is the issue? 

At one level this can be very wholesome. I recall when dating Sarah that she looked forward to returning to the dorm after a date because the girls gathered to talk about the time. They experienced excitement and energy. They felt enlivened. 

I just went back to my dorm to study alone. The guys did not greet me and ask, “So, tell us all the details of the evening." 

Because women are relationally oriented, they talk about relationships. They swap stories. Actually, they give the report to build rapport, as Dr. Debra Tannen found in her research. In the telling of the narratives, those who have stories of romance and surprise enthrall the others. 

Watch what causes women to fixate on another woman. When her story unfolds how her husband treated her in a special, loving way, the others are enchanted. They sit captivated as she begins, “Oh, do I have a story to share. Let me tell you about this glorious getaway my husband sprung upon me. I had no idea. I was totally clueless. He kept the whole thing as a secret. He completely surprised me. Imagine my shock when he picked me up at work—and he never picks me up at work—and informed me of the romantic weekend away. He told me that we would leave my car at work and retrieve it when we returned. He then told me that he arranged the babysitter, made the reservations at this out of this world hotel two hours away, and said the drive was devoted to talking about our relationship. He then pulled out from his coat jacket reservations for two at this absolutely marvelous restaurant, and in the folder were appointments for me for a massage and manicure. The whole weekend I was pampered to the max, and to top it off, he took me shopping." 

Such a story ranks near the top of what matters to women. The women sit glued to her every word as she relays in greater detail the whole weekend. They ask questions, which creates rabbit trails, and then the getaway wife returns to her main story. Nearly everyone engages, asking questions and making comments. Estrogen goes through the roof. This kind of conversation energizes the women who listen and the woman providing the report. 

Why Is This An Issue? 

But for some wives, a disturbing shift takes place as the years roll by. Relaying the romantic report trumps in importance the husband with whom she has the romantic weekend. The glory shifts to the telling of the story with the husband and away from the actual time with the husband. 

I mean, think about it. There is more excitement over looking at the painting of the landscape than looking at the actual landscape. After all, the painting does not include the junk heap at the side of the hill. And the story of the romantic weekend excludes the argument en route to the getaway spot. She can paint the story in ways that capture their fancy. I learned this from wives who whispered the truth that the story about the romance with their husband eventually took priority over the actual romance with their husband. 

“I have deciphered something within me and have finally acknowledged it to myself. I did not see it at first. But having a story to tell is very important to me. I hate to admit this but I kinda like telling the romantic story to my girlfriends equal to the time I spend with my husband on the weekend away—maybe more. I can hardly wait to return to tell them. As I go through the weekend, I think, ‘Oh, I must tell this.' It is so much fun to announce how special and loved I felt, and to have them enter the joy with me. They get more excited about hearing what happened than he got excited while it happened. 

“When did all of this hit me about myself? When he forgot to get me a card for Valentine’s Day. My heart sank, not because he actually forgot, since he is a good man who forgets, but because I did not have a story to tell. I felt caught and embarrassed. Then, I felt mad at my husband for putting me in this humiliating predicament. I would be at a loss for words when everyone curiously asked, “So, how did your hubby surprise you this time?” I was steaming. 

“But as I sat down to cool off over how he disgraced me, it hit me like a ton of bricks that he is a godly, wise man who loves the Lord and is consistently trying to love me. Why was I filled with such outrage? It dawned on me that something was wrong with me, not him. Oh, sure, he should have remembered Valentine’s Day, but my wrath was disproportionate to his forgetfulness. He committed a misdemeanor, and I was set on sending him to the electric chair. As I reflected, I figured out that I had no romantic story to tell, and that was the crux of the matter. I was furious because I had nothing to brag about and be the envied one. It was my awful pride. What I thought was true of my husband was true of me but in a different arena, and I have never noticed it. How ghastly that my bragging rights took precedence over my husband. He was secondary to what I experienced with my girlfriends. I gained more energy telling the story than I gained from being with my husband. I repented. Who cares if I had a particular story. I had the husband God gave to me." 

In her defense, maybe her girlfriends are more excited for her than her husband was. I get that. We men can be boring. Furthermore, women love to make inquiry. We read this in the Song of Solomon. The other women ask in 5:9, "What kind of beloved is your beloved?” She then launches into her romantic description, "My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand… he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem” (5:10,16). 

Women have always gathered and asked questions about their men. But we need to admit that for some wives a serious problem arises. These gals have formed a mental committee, and this group consists of girlfriends, sisters, mother, and female co workers who sit in her brain. Their approval and cheers and excitement mean everything. Thus, she thinks to herself that she must avoid, at all cost, hearing from the chairperson on the mental committee. 

“What? He totally forgot Valentine’s Day? What happened to your Knight in Shining Armor? Did he fall off his horse and hit his head? You poor thing, I know what that feels like. My ex forgot Valentine’s Day one too many times. I finally had it with the jerk (there were too many such instances) and told him to move out. We divorced the next year. He didn’t fight for me; he would only fight with me. But how are you feeling sweetie? You must be livid! What are you going to do to him? He needs lynching. Ladies, can you believe this mistreatment? I am sure when others find out about his neglect of her they will be heartbroken for her." The tongue of other women wags with untold power. They can be well-meaning but extremely indiscreet and misleading. 

A wife writes, "I have to give you a little background relating to Valentine's Day. My husband is from another county, and in that country Valentine's Day does not exist. So, when he and I started dating and Valentine's Day rolled around, he proclaimed that he doesn't celebrate it and never did. So, for a number of years, I just accepted that, until a woman friend asked me why I didn't "make" him celebrate it because in our country it IS a tradition. Well, I can't say I tried to "make" him celebrate it, but we would have long conversations, and my feelings would be hurt and so on, and it never came to a successful conclusion for me.” 

I find it fascinating that some gals find it perfectly acceptable to ask “Why don’t you make him celebrate Valentine’s Day?” Not only is this comment allowed, it is considered appropriate. However, it subjects this wife to unbearable pressure and brings her to a crossroad. Will she resist the attitudes of these women or aggressively go after her husband? 

I am not arguing against the husband celebrating Valentine’s Day, but against letting another woman dictate to this wife how she ought to feel about her husband. In this case, she accepted early on that he was from another country where they did not celebrate Valentine’s Day, and she was fine with it until another woman told her that she should not be fine with it. Why do some people pry? Why do they inquire too closely into another’s private life? I recall a woman confessing to me, “I have this compelling urge to be the first to know and the first to tell. I can get private and personal information out of people by asking questions, and then I can hardly wait to tell others what no one else knows. I realized this is nothing more than being a gossip.” 

In some instances these women do not ask questions because they really care about the wife’s pain—though all women have a measure of empathy—but because it provides them with their own story to tell. They can be the first to know and the first to tell. The upshot? Gossips divide close friends, especially husbands and wives. Two Bible verses address this in principle. 

1.  Proverbs 17:9 states “... he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends." 
2.  Proverbs 16:28 says, “...a gossip separates close friends” (NIV). 

What Can A Wife Do? 

First, a wife should resist the tongue of other women who do not always have her best interests at heart, though they appear to care. Some of these women fall victim to their own craving to know what others do not know and to be the first to tell others. A godly, wise wife must not enable the cravings in these ladies by answering their questions. Not only is it none of their business, but why give them information that they will soon relay to others who have no right to know? I appreciate that my wife Sarah refuses to divulge information about me. After all, I am a human being with feelings, and others should not know things about our struggles when those folks are not part of the solution—which is a good rule of thumb. I find it amazing that wives declare war on a husband who provides private information about her to other husbands who in turn spread that to other men, yet these gals don’t blink an eye in telling other inquisitive (snoopy) women every sordid detail about their husbands. 

Given you are married to a good-willed man, stand your ground to defend this good-willed husband who would die for you. You must not let his failings cause you to resent him and enter a crusade to change him. When the girlfriends ask the question, state the fact and change the subject. If these women find it necessary to drill down on the ineptness of your husband, change your friends. Seriously. You don’t need your girlfriends taking up offense against your husband when you are not offended by him, and only feel offended because they tell you that you ought to feel offended. What kind of friend does that? 

Second, revisit the good qualities in your husband. Some wives tell me that they make lists of the negatives and overlook the positives, until I tell them to make a list of the positives, at which time they say, “Thank you. I fell in love with my husband all over again.” Be content in these qualities about your husband. If he falls short of what you expect, convey your feelings respectfully, not rudely. 

What is ironic is that some wives readily tell me that they are far less disappointed in their husbands than they appear. But in their clique of women, they feel a pressure to report how wonderful their husbands are, and when they do not have a positive story to tell about how he romanced and surprised them, they feel strangely compelled to become negative and disrespectful. Negativity sets in, and they let themselves become discontent. When they really pray about these things, they discern that they really do not feel all that discontent, nor do they want to be disrespectful. Again, something happens when they hang out with the wrong crowd of women. These women may not be mean-spirited, but they do lack wisdom, and that lack of wisdom misleads. Third, see some of the disappointments with your husband’s forgetfulness and neglect as God’s gift to you to let go of some of your expectations. Remember, in all likelihood you will outlive your husband and experience many years as a widow. You will be alone, and he will not be there to love you. Enjoy what you do have with him far more than you do, and do so with the realization that he will probably die before you. Let your sentimentality kick in on this point! 

Again, I am not justifying the husband’s forgetfulness but highlighting that neither of you will meet all of the other’s needs. Therefore God expects a degree of maturity in facing these disappointments.