Her Sentimental Desire for Love

What is The Issue?

As a husband, on those special days, have you discovered the sentimentality of your wife and why love is so important to her? Many men do not fully grasp the sentimentality of women when it comes to love. What is the issue? 

Because I attended an all guys military school from eighth grade to my senior year in high school, I gained an advantage over other guys when I entered college. By that I mean, I tried to figure out what girls were feeling. 

It seemed as though many of the guys had become too familiar with girls. They just assumed girls would be girls and stopped asking, “Why do they respond the way they do?” 

I had a keen interest in trying to figure out these beautiful creatures who wore perfume. When I watched the other guys, it seemed, by way of analogy, that they no longer paid attention to the blue sky and green grass because it had always been there. Familiarity did not breed contempt, but it definitely bred lack of curiosity. 

For example, one guy having trouble with his girlfriend received advice from a friend, “Buy her roses.” When I asked why, he shot back, “I don’t know, it just works." 

For me, I had to figure out why the rose moved so many girls so deeply. I would notice the girl shedding happy tears of relief as she smiled and cried. She would gush with new aliveness and energy, and tell her girlfriends with great enthusiasm that he gave her roses (and watching them all light up with excitement), or she would give him a hug, then apologize profusely for her part and later make him some cookies as the rose sat in a small vase. 

Though not all girls responded this way, most did. Over the years, I have observed wives responding similarly to their loving husbands who bring them roses. And I notice these husbands not grasping exactly why she lights up, but he knows it works. 

Why Is This An Issue? 

Some husbands refuse to bring roses or write a love note. These husbands downplay the cry of a wife's heart for more loving engagement. He views her sentimentality as too much for him. Since God hardwired him differently, he resists her requests and defends his lack of loving and affectionate expressions, leaving her in emotional pain. 

Because he does not have the same need, he demands that she adjust to him, not vice versa. This is not about him meeting her need, but about her ending her claim that she has a need for a more emotional and romantic connection. 

A wife writes me, "Two weeks ago, he told one of our sons (15 year old) that Valentine's Day was for sweethearts. I guess he doesn't have one, because he's not mentioned the day to me at all. I'm not going anywhere, but it sure would be nice to have his heart. I really don't know what else I could have done through the years, save perfection, to make myself more lovable or lovely. So then, I find myself on the ride that keeps telling me that I'm not worth his affection. He told me about 13 years ago, when I asked him to give me at least one hug a day...that I needed his hugs.....he said, 'You married the wrong man. I'm not the huggie type.' At that point in time...we had been married about 24 years... How do you wrap your mind around that comment? I've pretty much decided that the rest of my days will be occupying a dwelling with him, but I don't look to him for any fulfillment in my life. No companionship, and nothing that will ever make me think or feel that I am his sweetheart. My children are wonderful…. He is a wonderful dad, provider, coach, reads the Bible, teaches the Bible, etc., but when it comes to me, other than for sex, I really could be any woman that would come in and take care of the household duties. He'd never miss me." 

As I read this wife’s email, she was not bitter, and actually she was full of compliments toward her husband. She simply wanted a bit more, like his hugs, to which he defended himself at her expense. “You married the wrong man. I’m not the huggie type.” Of course, she did not reply, “If you want sex, you married the wrong woman. I’m not the type.” She would never say that to him since she is a good woman. 

A wife of a famous pastor writes, “What about romance? Can you believe that I never got a birthday present, or a Valentine's present, or a Christmas present, or a Mother's Day gift, or a single rose, or a card at least saying I'm a good mom. (He didn't even have to say I was great, good would be enough.) I made the mistake of buying myself a birthday present in our first year of marriage, and so it began. No presents whatsoever… Tell me, how can I ask him to slow down all he's been doing and listen to me? You know, lend an ear? Or how can I ask him not to serve the Lord so devotedly and be there for me? Try to make me feel as if I existed? As if I mattered? As if I were important not only for sex? How do I explain to him that when I ask him to go see a movie, or dine out, or walk on the beach under the moonlight, or go to the theater, or go to the mall, or spend some time together, I'm not saying 'LET'S HAVE SEX'! Because THAT we already do. And it's great. It's just not enough for me, and it makes me cry my eyes out. Is sex all I'm ever going to get in return? Do you understand now why I can't read the parts in your book that talk to the husbands? He doesn't think he needs it." 

How Is This Issue Solved? 

1 Peter 3:7 commands the husband, "live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman." When a husband refuses to practice this, Peter reveals that his wife feels vulnerable and weak. She feels misunderstood and dishonored. She feels dismissed and floundering in need. 

Peter then makes a bold declaration. When a husband stiff arms the revelation about understanding his wife, his prayers will be “hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). God takes this seriously. In effect, God declares to every husband: “When you refuse to listen to the genuine heart cry of your wife, I will not listen to your genuine heart cry before Me. When you refuse to be the Christ-figure to your wife, I will refuse to be Christ to you!" 

This does not mean God stops loving the husband, but that the husband undermines his prayer life and communion with God. In a sense, God lets the husband know what his wife feels. In effect, God says, “When you leave your wife to feel disconnected and alone, I will leave you to feel disconnected and alone.” 

Of course, God does this to awaken us and motivate us to be honorable men who do the loving thing even though our wives have emotional needs that we do not have. For this reason, I appeal to every husband to do the three following things.

1. God designed your wife differently from you, so accept that she has emotional and romantic needs that you do not have. See this as God’s design of women, not your wife’s peculiarity. Do not resent God’s design of your wife. And remember, your prayer life is directly impacted. God built in an incentive for you to be understanding, as Peter reveals! In the long run, your relationship with your wife and with Him will vastly improve.
2. Though you can feel like you can never meet all of her expectations, do not let your inadequacy default to, “You will just have to accept me for the way I am.” Yes, there is a measure of truth in this. You may be an introvert engineer who will not join a dance class where you compete in front of a thousand people. But you are smart enough to come up with a romantic equivalency. Propose that you take private dance lessons, and take a hike in the woods for a picnic where the two of you can waltz together under the pine trees. Create counter proposals; don’t shut down. To her it is about the love and romance. The setting is secondary to her need to feel that you love her. 
3. See yourself as an honorable man, even though you do not feel yourself to be a sentimentalist. As an honorable man, do the honorable thing: meet a need that your wife has for your strength, masculinity, and love. Ultimately, she has a need that only you can meet. Do not see this as a complaint but a compliment! 

A husband writes, "Diane always told me for years ‘you never show me love.’ I thought it was just my wife telling me she was un-loved and this was just another complaint about me. Of course I love Diane, but I had no idea how to show it. When you talked about this dynamic of the women needing love, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what Diane has been telling me for 25 years….I thought to myself…Dr. Emerson says this is a natural and human way a woman feels. At that moment, for the first time in my life, Diane’s feelings to be loved by me were validated. It was an epiphany."