This week at home, take time to read and meditate on this material which reinforces the video content you just heard in group. Prayerfully apply the questions and assignments to your personal situation. Remember to choose an accountability partner.

Who’s Right?

Have you ever heard the expression that something was as old as Adam and Eve? Well, if ever something was exactly as old as Adam and Eve, it’s the differences between men and women. Surely everyone has heard that familiar verse from the Old Testament, Genesis 1:27: “And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” And in the New Testament, in the Gospel of Matthew (19:4) Jesus Himself refers to it: “Have you not read, that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female…?”

On this issue the Bible is very clear: God created men and women to be different. God intended it that way, even before the fall. It is His design. Not only are we different in our fundamental physical appearance, we are different in our functions. And not only are we different in our functions, but we are in many ways different in our fundamental perceptions of the world around us. Emerson humorously relayed the example of decorating preferences. Can you relate?

So God made us different – as different as pink is from blue! Consequently, male/female communication can be a powerful challenge. The Department of Psychology at the University of Washington conducted extensive research on 2,000 couples over 20 years, who had been married 20-40 years to the same partner. The conclusion was that every successful marriage had two key ingredients: love and respect…and this was a secular study!

This is the secret that the Bible revealed over 2,000 years ago – a secret hidden in plain sight! God in His goodness gave us the secret to crack this communication code. This secret is found in Ephesians 5:33 – the greatest treatise on marriage! “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to LOVE his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she RESPECTS her husband.”

Love and Respect

Did you know that according to the Bible, a husband’s deepest felt need is for respect, not love? Said another way, during conflict he needs to feel a wife’s respect unlike any other thing. This is why the apostles Paul and Peter each concluded his teaching on marriage with an exhortation for wives to respect their husbands. In addition to Paul’s exhortation in Ephesians 5:33, Peter writes in 1 Peter 3:1,2: “…even if any (husbands) are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your… respectful behavior.”

What is respect? For now, a better question is “what is disrespect?” When a wife feels unloved, she can react in very negative ways that come across to a husband as disrespectful. Her tone, look, words and actions feel disrespectful to him. Added to that, many wives will say, “I don’t feel any respect for him at those times. He doesn’t deserve any respect. I love him but don’t feel much respect. In fact, my disrespect should be a wake-up call to him. He needs to change.” So, if wives don’t know what respect is, they certainly know what disrespect is.

Now, without question, men need love and women need respect. In Titus 2:4, older women are instructed to encourage younger women to phileo love their husbands and children, which is Greek for the brotherly kind of love. Paul does not refer to agape (unconditional love), as he does when instructing husbands in Ephesians 5:33. It seems that he knows a young woman is designed to naturally agape love her husband and children, whereas she can become discouraged and impatient in her home, and thus unfriendly towards her loved ones. Her motives are filled with agape, but her methods lack phileo (friendliness).

On the other hand, wives need to know that their husbands respect and esteem them. Peter tells husbands to “show her honor” in 1 Peter 3:7, and Paul says a husband is to “cherish” his wife (Ephesians 5:29). And of course there are numerous verses in Proverbs 31 that refer to the noble woman who receives the praises of her husband.

So all of us need both love and respect. A husband especially yearns for love prior to meeting a woman and while dating. But the fact is, once into the marriage, husbands rarely ask, “Does she love me as much as I love her?” A husband almost always has a deep confidence that his wife loves him, unless she is hostile towards him or has been unfaithful. His wife loves to love and he knows this. We might say that his love need is met. Ask a husband, “Does your wife love you?” and he will usually say, “Yes.” But if you ask him, “Does she like you?” he is apt to say, “No.”

Further research at the University of Washington also revealed that of those who stonewall or pull back during marital conflict, 85% are men, whereas only 15% are women. In other words, women generally move forward to talk so they can resolve the problem. And while you don’t mean to be critical, you can come across that way at times. This criticism is interpreted by your husbands as disrespect, which escalates the conflict for him. Most men will then pull back because they believe it is the honorable thing to do. They know that if they don’t withdraw, they will likely escalate the conflict and may possibly get out of control. This withdrawal feels unloving to his wife who is more verbal and is moving towards him to connect and resolve the conflict. So although he pulls back to protect her, she labels him as unloving. No wonder things get crazy!

Ponder This

‍Here’s the secret. When in a conflict with your husband, and you sense the issue isn’t the issue, in all probability he is feeling disrespected. He negatively reacts to you because he feels disrespected, not because he feels unloved. If that disrespect remains constant, he begins to lose motivation to move toward you with fond feelings of love. So, God’s words – through Peter and Paul – are intended to guard a wife against being disrespectful.

Let’s Do This!

We cannot stress enough how important it is to take the time to answer and apply these practical applications each week. This will make the difference in whether the Lord can work in your heart and marriage.

Note the asterisk* next to one of the assignments each week. This is the practical application for you to do towards your husband, and we recommend you do that assignment early in the week, to give you time to practice and process.

1. *Are you friendly (phileo) in your home? Or have the daily stresses zapped you of your friendliness?

When your husband comes home, smile at him and say hi, or even tell him you are glad he’s home. Do not linger around and start talking. If you have not done this in a while he may look at you strange. Ignore any sarcasm or mockery - you are tougher than that! The key is to do this without any expectation of how he will respond. And whatever you do, don’t tell him this was a class assignment! If he asks what you’re up to, keep it simple, saying something like, “I just wanted to say hi.” The purpose of this is to be intentionally friendly. Remember, this shows respect.

(If your husband always gets home before you do, adapt this to another time when he has gone out.)

2. On the Session 1 video, Emerson talked about conflicts over personal preferences, such as decorating. What preference differences do you have with your husband? Can you see where both of you are right, even though you are different?

3. How much of your conflict is due to differences in your preferences? Pick a percentage.

4. Reflect on a recent conflict with your spouse when the issue was no longer the issue. Answer the following:

• Did you feel unloved? If not, what were you feeling?
• How did you react?
• Might your husband have felt disrespected by something you said or did?
• How did he react?

5. Do you tend to move towards your spouse to resolve a conflict or do you shut down? What does your husband do?

6. What else did you learn from observing how you and your husband react during conflict?

Let’s Reflect

What are your apprehensions going into this study? What fear/s does the word respect bring up for you?

Write a prayer asking God to give you the strength to help you with each apprehension and fear. Be specific.