Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship. 

Males and females tend to speak different languages. 

The culture says intimacy is “Pink” and all about love. There’s nothing wrong with that within certain parameters, however there happens to be another person in the relationship called male.

God has created us male and female - not wrong, just different.

The Respect Test: Say to him, “I was thinking about you today, all the things about you I respect and I want you to know that I really respect you.” And then exit the room.

What is he going to do?

When you hear your “mother tongue,” you move toward it. 

The differences in men and women are there by God’s design and for a purpose. 

She speaks a PINK love language. He speaks a BLUE respect talk. Once we grasp this and enter into it, your spouse will feel understood, their spirit will relax, and communication will come. 

Suppose a person who speaks Korean and a person who speaks Spanish get married. If they don’t speak each other’s language, how will they communicate? They won’t be able to communicate, because there’s not mutual understanding. 

Husbands and wives must learn to speak each other’s language.

She naturally speaks the language of love. He naturally speaks the language of respect.

When a couple learns how to communicate in each other’s language, it leads to communion and connection in marriage. 

During courtship, we tend to work at listening and speaking each other’s language.

She felt accepted, understood and known. He felt admired, believed in and respected. 

But after the wedding, you start having heated fellowship! 

What happened to that vocabulary, knowledge, and intelligence we had in courtship? 

We get on the Crazy Cycle and act defensively to each other, which comes across as offensive, even though we’re not trying to be offensive. 

We start to believe, “I am the way I am because of circumstances; they are the way they are because of their disposition.”

We are biased in our own favor, so we take up offense but we don’t see ourselves as offensive. 

We have a breakdown in communication and we frustrate each other and hurt each other.

Ask yourself this important question: What vocabulary is the Lord asking me to learn?

Everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19 

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately. 

If you seek to listen to your spouse’s heart, watch what happens with regard to communication. 

There are languages of the heart and topics of the mouth. When the issue is no longer the issue and you have offended the language of the heart, you can forget the topic getting resolved. 

It is better to listen to understand, than speak to be understood.

Husbands, when you speak to your wife with harshness and anger, it is as if you are cursing her in her “mother tongue.” It is offensive to her. 

Wives, when you speak to your husband in a critical, condescending way, it is as if you are cursing at him in his “mother tongue.” It is offensive to him. 

What do you do when you are spinning on the Crazy Cycle and you feel like you can’t communicate with each other? 

You must go back to the deeper issue of mutual understanding. Speak the language of his/her heart and watch the communication resume. 

Husbands primarily want to hear “respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict. 

Men and women deal with tense moments differently. 

Men tend to move away from the conflict to de-escalate the tension. When their heartbeat gets to 99 BPM, they are in warrior mode. It becomes a fight or flight situation, so dropping the argument and moving on is the honorable thing to do, but she concludes he doesn’t care. 

Women tend to move toward the conflict to resolve it. They confront to connect. They want to talk about their feelings, because it is the loving thing to do and it clears the air for the future, but he concludes she’s picking a fight. 

So who’s right? YES! He seeks to do the honorable thing, but you label him as unloving. She seeks to do the loving thing, but you label her as disrespectful. 

Once you understand these communication differences and DECODE that they’re not meaning to say what it feels like they’re saying, then you will see their spirit soften and communication can happen. 

DECODE and watch each other’s spirits soften. 

You will not communicate on the topics that lead to tension if you violate each other’s language, if you don’t speak their language, or if you curse in their language.

In this segment, we’ll look at how the “Not Communication, But Mutual Understanding” principle applies to the three cycles: The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, The Rewarded Cycle

This isn’t easy to do, but it is easy to understand. Whenever you anticipate getting on the Crazy Cycle, ask yourself this question: 

“Is what I’m about to say going to sound unloving or disrespectful to my spouse?” 

Husbands: Is it your unloving attitude that deflates her spirit and triggers a reaction that feels disrespectful to you?

Wives: Is it your disrespectful attitude that deflates his spirit and triggers a reaction that feels unloving to you?

It’s so easy to dismiss your spouse as childish because he/she has a need you don’t have.

We think, “Why should I have to do that (to ask if this sounds unloving/disrespectful)? They should know I’m not trying to be unloving or disrespectful.” 

Men, in the example about over spending the budget by $500, ask yourself: “Is it my unloving negative attitude toward her that deflates her spirit and causes her to be disrespectful?” Even if everything you are saying about the money issue has 100% merit, the message is not going to get through because of the way in which you are delivering it. You cannot act in an unloving way and expect her to respond in a respectful way. You have to realize that you can’t curse in the language of her heart and expect her to understand the topic at hand. You will not be communicating with each other. 

Ladies, in the example about his sexual desires, ask yourself: “Is it my disrespectful attitude toward him that deflates his spirit and causes him to be unloving?” If you profile and exaggerate his sexual needs in a negative way, your message will not get through. If you have a negative and disrespectful demeanor in your words, then you are cursing in the language of his heart and he will shut down. 

If you want to spend less time on the Crazy Cycle, you must learn to speak your spouse’s language. 

Who moves first? The one who sees himself/herself as the most mature. 

Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Matthew 7:3 

You could open up the spirit of your spouse quickly by speaking their mother tongue. But you cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end. In other words, you cannot shout in an unloving and disrespectful way, “Respect and Love me!” That is not speaking the mother tongue of the spouse. 

How do we get on the Energizing Cycle?

A wise person will get in the habit of asking: 

Is that which I am about to say going to sound loving to my wife?

Is that which I am about to say going to sound respectful to my husband? 

Am I going to dismiss my spouse as childish for feeling offended when I know that I am not intending to be offensive? Will I think to myself, “They need to grow up”? 

Or will I say, “They have a God-given vulnerability where I have a God-given strength”?

During an interview with Gary Chapman, Emerson discussed how all 5 of the Love Languages have a respect counterpart. 

1. Acts of Service: What acts of service will be loving to her OR respectful to him? 

2. Words of Affirmation: What words of affirmation will sound loving to her OR respectful to him? 

3. Giving of Gifts: What gifts would feel loving to her OR respectful to him? 

4. Quality Time: What face-to-face time for her OR shoulder-to-shoulder time for him could I give?

5. Meaningful Touch: Hugging and holding, apart from sex for her OR his God-given need for sexual release? 

Some of us wonder, why can’t we communicate? But it is actually quite simple. You are not making emotional deposits in your relational bank account. If you make these deposits of love and respect, then the relationship won’t go bankrupt when you make a withdrawal (during heated communication). 

Find different ways to communicate with your spouse in his/her language. 

Jesus said, The mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart.
Matthew 12:34 

Every careless word will be judged.
Matthew 12:36

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my Rock, my Redeemer.Psalm 19:4

The deeper question to ask is: Will my words sound loving and respectful to Jesus Christ?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart. 

What comes out of your mouth reveals what is in your heart.

The simple practice of talking to your spouse with words that sound loving or respectful to Jesus Christ will keep you on the Rewarded Cycle. You will touch the Lord’s heart by these loving and respectful words from your heart.

Learning To Speak Your Spouse’s Language 

Learning to speak another language is never easy, but with practice and dedication it can be done. There are times when you may both be able to communicate well and feel as though you are on the same “wave length.” But what about those times when a conversation turns into conflict? Think about a recent disagreement where you felt that you communicated clearly but your spouse didn’t “get it.” As you reflect on what you felt was clearly conveyed, how did your words sound? Which ones apply? 

Harsh Angry Critical Condescending

Have you thought about how the sound of your words can deflate your spouse’s spirit?

Can you be right in what you say but wrong in the way you say it? Can you fool yourself into thinking your spouse is rejecting what you are clearly communicating when they are shutting down on the unloving/disrespectful delivery? 

Let’s start learning how to speak each other’s language.

Husbands: Write down two topics that you will cover with your wife in the next seven days. Write next to the topic: “I will talk about this lovingly.”

1._______________________________________

2.______________________________________

Wives: Write down two topics that you will cover with your husband in the next seven days. Write next to the topic: “I will talk about this respectfully.” 

1.______________________________________

2.______________________________________

Share your thoughts with your spouse about what sounds loving or respectful. Ask your spouse if you sounded more loving/respectful would it improve your communication? (Don’t get defensive!) 

Below, answer with a Yes or No. Don’t explain, just say “Yes” or “No.” 

Do you agree that when a husband sounds loving to his wife, she feels more understood and is more open to hearing what he is communicating? Similarly, do you agree that when a wife sounds respectful to her husband, he feels more understood and is more open to hearing what she is communicating? Do you believe that mutual understanding leads to healthy communication? 

NOTE: You may feel that you are making more of a good faith effort in applying this content than your spouse. That may very well be. Even so, remember that you are called to do what God reveals to you. Your good faith effort is really a godly faith effort in the Lord. Everything you do matters to Him. Nothing is wasted, even when a spouse is moving too slowly. 

Group Discussion 

As a group, Emerson essentially wants you to discuss two questions: 

1. Why is it worth your time and effort to ask before you speak, “Will this sound unloving or loving? Will this sound disrespectful or respectful?” 
2. Why is it eternally important to ask and act on, “Will this sound loving and respectful to Jesus Christ?”

Take Away (2 min) 

List 1- 3 things you have learned in this session that you feel will make a positive difference in your relationship. 

1. __________________________________________ 
2. __________________________________________ 
3. __________________________________________ 

Scripture

For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. 

Matthew 12:34 

Prayer

Lord, I get it! We speak different “languages” as husband and wife. Though we all need to hear the languages of Love and Respect, during conflict I now realize the felt needs differ as night is from day. A wife hears unloving sounds in her pink hearing aids, though her husband does not premeditate voicing these sounds through his blue megaphone. Similarly, a husband hears disrespectful sounds in his blue hearing aids, though his wife does not intend to sound this way through her pink megaphone. No wonder we have a failure to communicate. Our hearts are in the right place but too often we sound unloving or disrespectful. Our spouse feels misunderstood and stops listening. Lord, as for me, help me go the extra mile to ensure that I sound loving or respectful so that my spouse can feel understood and we can communicate on the topic at hand. In all of this, help me hold back from blaming my spouse for mishearing. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

This Week

Important Rule: Refrain from saying accusingly, “You’re only applying these things to impress the small group when we meet next.” Instead, trust your spouse’s good faith efforts. Give them the benefit of the doubt, again and again. 

Emerson to the Husbands: 

When you and your wife have a conflict on some topic and then start to spin on the Crazy Cycle, will you be the mature one who moves first? In other words, will you assume that at some point in the discussion, you sounded unloving to her which triggered a disrespectful reaction in her? Instead of blaming her for the craziness, will you maturely ask, “Did I say something that came across as unloving to you? If so, will you forgive me?” Why is this approach better for improving the communication than claiming, “Look, I am not trying to be unloving, so quit feeling unloved. Furthermore, stay on topic and stop being so disrespectful”? 

Sarah to the Wives: 

When you and your husband have a conflict on some issue and then start to spin on the Crazy Cycle, will you be the mature one who moves first? In other words, will you assume that at some point in the discussion, you sounded disrespectful to him which triggered an unloving reaction in him? Instead of blaming him for the craziness, will you maturely ask, “Did I say something that came across as disrespectful to you? If so, will you forgive me?” Why is this approach better for improving the communication than claiming, “Look, I am not trying to be disrespectful, so quit being so narcissistic and feeling disrespected. Furthermore, stay on topic and stop being so unloving”? 

Husbands and Wives: 

Don’t forget to write down your commitment for this week on a Weekly Challenge slip. 

Digging Deeper 

Want to dig deeper into the principles Dr. Emerson presented in this week’s session? Read Chapter 4 in the book, Love and Respect.