The “My Response is My Responsibility” principle is empowering and liberating. It can free you from the helpless, hopeless victim mentality that says: my response is my spouse’s responsibility. 

He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles.
Proverbs 21:23 

What do you do when you’re in a heated discussion, feeling out of control, and the phone rings? 

There are moments when we blame our spouse for causing us to respond in an unloving or disrespectful manner. We try to justify ourselves, which is the propensity of the human heart. 

If a film crew followed you around for six weeks and the producer offered you a million dollars if you never exhibited angry, unloving or disrespectful behavior toward your spouse during the entire time, could you do it? 

What would it be like if we took responsibility for our negative reactions? 

In the illustration about the speck of sand in the human eye and in the oyster, did the sand cause the blindness in the human eye and produce the pearl in the oyster? 

The sand is an irritant that reveals the inner properties of the eye and the oyster.

You’re married to an “irritant.” Your spouse isn’t causing you to be the way you are, they’re revealing the way you are.

Husbands: Your wife doesn’t cause you to be unloving but reveals that you are unloving. Ouch! 

Wives: Your husband doesn’t cause you to be disrespectful but reveals that you are disrespectful. That hurts!

We try every way we can to justify our sinful, wrong responses. 

“I believe theologically, the deepest need all of us have is to justify self. The book of Romans was written to send us the message that none of us can justify ourselves. The deepest need is for justification, but our justification can only come through our faith in Jesus Christ. Look at Romans 3:22.” Emerson Eggerichs 

Ultimately, we only justify ourselves before God. He has provided us a way to do that through His Son, Jesus Christ. 

We are driven within our carnal flesh to justify ourselves. We see this when Adam justified himself by blaming Eve and God; then Eve blamed the serpent. 

We justify ourselves by blaming our spouse for causing us to react in this sinful, unloving or disrespectful way. 

Pressure applied reveals the inner properties, so are you a skunk or a rose?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do. 

Remember: “My Response is My Responsibility.” This is your issue, not your spouse’s. 

We try so hard to justify our behavior, we become deluded from the truth and then wonder why we have problems. 

There is a difference between voluntary and involuntary emotions. 

We’re not talking about involuntary emotions here, we’re talking about when you step over the line and then justify your disobedience to Ephesians 5:33 by blaming your spouse and saying they are causing your response. 

Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again.
Proverbs 24:16 

No one is going to do this perfectly. We must give our spouse grace. 

We have to come to a point where we believe that “My Response is My Responsibility” is truth. 

How does the sun in the sky know how to harden the clay and melt the butter? The sun doesn’t know. The heat simply reveals the inner properties of the clay and the butter. 

In marriage, there are irritations and times of “heated fellowship.” God uses all these things to reveal the inner properties in each of us.

A great example of this principle is when the Frenchman said to the Nazi officer: “You have the power to torture and kill me, but sir, you do not have the power to get me to hate you.” 

When Jesus said, “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices. 

When you do the LOVING thing toward a spouse who isn’t respectful or when you do the RESPECTFUL thing toward a mate who isn’t loving, you bring them under conviction. But, if you try to do the opposite, it won’t work, because it is a violation of God’s ways. 

Once we come to the point of saying “My Response is My Responsibility” and realize that this person isn’t causing me to be the way I am, but is revealing the way I am, then we have tremendous freedom. 

No one can get you to show contempt or hostility. That becomes your choice. 

It is my choice to love you; it’s my choice to respect you and you cannot prevent it. I am not a hopeless, helpless victim. 

Once we lock into this, marriage becomes totally different and changes overnight. 

“My Response is My Responsibility” at first seems intimidating, but in the deepest sense, becomes liberating. Do you believe it? Do you want that kind of power? 

It is your choice.

You may lose the battle, lose the battle, lose the battle and then win the war. Understand that when you use this principle, there will be push-back. But eventually, they will come under conviction and will soften. 

A mature person says, “I’m excited about doing this differently and now see that God is using my marriage as a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate my love and reverence for Him.” 

There is power and freedom that comes from understanding that no one can cause you to react a certain way. It is your choice.

In this segment, we’ll look at how the “My Response is My Responsibility” principle applies to the three cycles: The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, The Rewarded Cycle

Truth be told, many of us would like to say, “My negative response is YOUR responsibility.” And we really want our spouse to say, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me” but this approach simply doesn’t work. 

Will you continue to believe this lie? 

We have to come to the point where we stop believing the lie that my negative response is my spouse’s responsibility.

Some people pose the question: “Isn’t it true that because Ephesians 5:33 first tells a husband to love his wife that a wife does not have to respect unless and until her husband first loves her, making him responsible for her respect?” All translations of Ephesians 5:33b make respect a command from God equal to the command to the husband to love his wife in 5:33a. Sequence is irrelevant. Furthermore, if sequence is important then note that the whole passage begins first with a wife’s submission (5:22) after which the husband is to love (5:25). Should the husband only love after his wife first submits? No. Sequence is irrelevant. In addition, 1 Peter 3:1,2 instructs a wife to put on respect toward a disobedient husband. Therefore, neither a wife nor a husband can declare, “You need to act first in a loving or respectful way since my response is your responsibility.” 

Unconditional respect sounds like an oxymoron, but it is truth from Abba Father. 

If you continue to believe that your response is your spouse’s responsibility, then your happiness is contingent on how your mate treats you. If your spouse fails to love and respect you, then you are destined to be miserable. If she/he falls short of being the person you want, you are fated for sadness. You are destined to live on the Crazy Cycle. But, of course, none of this is true! 

How do we begin the journey of personal happiness apart from our spouse? 

You must accept that anything you do that is unloving or disrespectful is your issue and your choice.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets up. Don’t freak out because you have a few setbacks, just rebound. 

The quicker you embrace this truth, the quicker you will get off the Crazy Cycle. 

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse. 

How does this apply to the Energizing Cycle? 

The mature one moves first. 

You are willing to die for your spouse, but are you willing to live for them? 

Don’t subscribe to “My Positive Response is Their Responsibility.” Subscribe to and practice the “My Response is My Responsibility” principle. 

If, over the marathon of the marriage, I do the loving/respectful thing to a good-willed person, the dance is going to be enjoyed. 

Two Key Ingredients for Marriage Success = LOVE and RESPECT. And you only have to remember one thing: 

Men, is that which you are about to say or do to her going to feel loving or unloving? 

Women, is that which you are about to say or do to him going to feel respectful or disrespectful? 

If you don’t know the answer, just ask your spouse.

A good-willed person will not continually reject their spouse’s genuine efforts to meet their deepest need, because you are speaking their mother tongue. 

Deborah Tannen’s research states that: Women give the report to build rapport. 

Men, you can energize your marriage by spending quality face-to-face time with your wife, allowing her to connect with you, just like you did in courtship. Remember, it’s not about the report, it’s about the rapport. 

Ladies, you can energize your marriage by spending quality shoulder to-shoulder time with your husband, just being his friend, like you did in courtship. Remember, it’s not about the football game; it’s about his best friend spending time with him, because you like him. 

My ACTIONS are my responsibility. I have the power to do the loving/respectful thing and the freedom to make that decision. 

How do we achieve the Rewarded Cycle? 

We want to say my FAITH response is your responsibility. 

Women complain: I wish my husband was the spiritual leader in our home. Women, your FAITH response unto Jesus is your responsibility. 

Men complain: She’s so self-righteous and judgmental that I feel like I can’t even pray right. Men, your FAITH response unto Jesus is your responsibility. 

More than we should, we blame our spouse for our unloving and disrespectful attitudes but the truth is we are not trusting and obeying Ephesians 5:33. 

Your relationship with Christ is your responsibility. Your spouse cannot stop you from loving, reverencing and obeying Christ.

The next time I negatively react and want to blame my spouse for my negative reaction, I will try to hold back from blaming. I am not promising perfection but at that moment I will say to myself, “My response is my responsibility.” 

Write on a Weekly Challenge slip (and put it somewhere as a reminder after tearing it off): When I want to place blame, I will say instead, “My response is my responsibility.” 

As a couple, talk briefly about how you will commit to saying, “My response is my responsibility.” Mention how you will give each other grace when you unthinkingly place blame.

Group Discussion

Discuss as a group: “My FAITH response is my responsibility. Therefore, I can love and respect unto Christ no matter what my spouse does because I love and reverence the Lord. My spouse cannot stop that.” Why is this true? 

Take Away (2 min) 

List 1- 3 things you have learned in this session that you feel will make a positive difference in your relationship. 

1. __________________________________________ 
2. __________________________________________ 
3. __________________________________________ 

Scripture

He who guards his mouth and his tongue guards his soul from troubles. 

Proverbs 21:23

Prayer

Jesus, you said, “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man” (Matthew 7:21-23). 

Lord, I hear you loud and clear. Ultimately, I make the internal choice to do wrong, no matter what that might be. “For from within” me, “out of the heart” proceed my wrong thoughts and actions. Thus, my response is my responsibility. In marriage, my spouse does not cause me to sin in an unloving or disrespectful way. That is my inner decision. Thank You for convicting me but also revealing to me that conversely I can make the right choices. What a joy to know that my spouse cannot prevent me from being a loving and respectful person. For from within, I can trust and obey You. That is a marvelous and glorious truth. Thank You Lord! I am free! 

This Week

Emerson to the Husbands: 

This week, pray and ask God to help you take responsibility for your responses. In the midst of a conflict, trust the Lord to help you control your negative reaction and definitely to help you withhold blaming your wife if you do negatively react. Make a decision as a man of honor: “I am an honorable man and I will not use my wife as an excuse for disobeying Ephesians 5:33.” 

Sarah to the Wives: 

This week, pray and ask God to help you take responsibility for your responses. In the midst of a conflict, you are not a helpless victim. You are a woman of love, and as such have the power to put on a respectful attitude. You can make this decision: “I am a loving and caring woman and I will not blame my husband for my disobedience before the Lord to act on Ephesians 5:33.” 

Husbands and Wives: 

Don’t forget to write down your commitment this week on one of the Weekly Challenge slips.

Digging Deeper

Want to dig deeper into the principles Dr. Emerson presented in this week’s session? Read chapter 24 in the book, Love and Respect.