But if you marry, you have not sinned…Yet such will have trouble in this life.
1 Corinthians 7:28 

But the one who is married is concerned... how he may please his wife... how she may please her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:33, 34 

A wife doesn’t get up early in the morning to think of ways to be disrespectful. A husband doesn’t get up to think of ways to be unloving. In other words, according to 1 Corinthians 7:33-34, most husbands and wives have goodwill and the desire to please each other. 

That doesn’t mean at the end of the day you’re going to feel loved or respected. But, if you look at the broad-brush strokes - the movie not the snap shots - you will see you’re married to a good-willed person. 

What kind of trouble do good-willed people have?

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
1 Corinthians 7:4 

This verse refers to sexual relations. It is saying both husband and wife have equal say and equal authority. Lord, have you designed trouble? YES. 

Tuesday night is coming... 

There are different preferences in marriage that have nothing to do with moral transgressions. 

In Romans 14, Paul teaches about the grey areas. When it comes to things like eating meat or not eating meat, or worshipping on this day or that day, people can do what they prefer. Two choices exist. Both positions are right, therefore judgment and contempt toward another person who differs is to cease (Romans 14:1-23). 

On Tuesday night, a husband and wife can have different sexual preferences. He says “yes” and she says “no” or vice versa. Truth is, neither one is wrong, just different. However, there is a tendency to conclude, “Since I am right about my need on Tuesday night then my spouse is wrong.” 

On Tuesday night, it’s very difficult to conclude that we could both be right. 

The Lord has given us this “trouble” in our relationship as a gift. 

These are clashing preferences, not moral transgressions.

Many Christians are concluding: I made a mistake marrying this person because we’re not experiencing what I read about on Facebook or see in the movies or read in magazines. 

You have not made a mistake. You are in the center of God’s will.

Regardless of whether you have trouble 5%, 10% or 30% of the time, what is your attitude and perspective during these times of trouble? 

Hollywood has affected us to think we deserve 99% happiness. So, if we expect 99% and get 80%, then the 19% discrepancy will disillusion us and cause bitterness to set in. 

Many of us allow the “trouble” to poison the rest of our relationship. 

Depressingly, some people divorce over preference issues. As these troubles over preferences recur, some feel horribly devalued. One day they declare, “You are unloving and don’t love me” or “You are disrespectful and don’t respect me.” They divorce! But they divorce over the differences God designed! 

A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough (Galatians 5:9). Dead flies make a perfumer’s oil stink...(Ecclesiastes 10:1).

These “Tuesday night” moments can be the little leaven or the fly in the ointment that end up ruining the 80% of good. 

Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your life.
Ecclesiastes 9:9 

Some couples think they have “sex” problems. But it is just a symptom. Husbands, it is your hostility and harshness toward her spirit that deflates her and causes her to feel unloved and devalued so she shuts down and withdraws. Wives, it is your condescending, critical attitude toward him that causes him to feel disrespected and devalued so he shuts down and withdraws.

God wants us to enjoy one another in marriage. God wants us to experience love and respect 80% of the time, so to speak. 

What about money? Money problems are symptoms, not the root issue. The lack of love and respect during the discussions about money is what kills you. 

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during the conflict cause the marriage to go under. 

Work to create win/win in your relationship by discovering third options. Ask God for wisdom and don’t place blame on each other. When you address the troubles in a loving and respectful manner, you will find solutions.

Mistakenly, we somehow think we are the only ones going through the problems we are going through.

Others have gone through what we’re going through and they know how to do the dance by discovering a win/win. Seek their wisdom. 

From the book, Love and Respect: “The Love and Respect Connection can help you have an enjoyable, healthy, meaningful marriage relationship. Life, however, will never be totally perfect” (p. 184). 

When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden, sin became the universal problem for all of us (see Genesis 3; Romans 5:12-20). Tension, conflict, and problems will occur, and you must be prepared to deal with all of it. 

Sailors prepare for the storm prior to going out to sea. So when the storms of life hit, they don’t freak out and jump ship.

Sailors get nauseous but they don’t jump ship.

Preparing for the storms of life will keep you calm in the midst of trouble. Don’t jump ship! 

In marriage, there will be storms, so prepare for them and don’t freak out.

If you marry, you have not sinned, but you will have trouble. 1 Corinthians 7:28

What are these troubles? Clashing preferences, joint suffering, personality differences.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how to solve your troubles! 

She moves towards him and confronts to connect, which is the loving thing, only to be labeled as disrespectful. He withdraws to calm down, which is the honorable thing to do, only to be labeled as unloving. 

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Women tend to focus on the person with the problem. Men tend to focus on the problem the person has. Both are right!

God brings two people together because He wants third options. He wants win/win. He wants pink and blue to discover His purple. 

How will you deal with the 20% of joint suffering (sickness or death)? How will you deal with personality differences (extrovert or introvert)? 

“If we agreed on everything, one of us would be unnecessary.” Ruth Graham

Opposites attract, then opposites attack. The very thing we valued as a strength, somehow becomes a weakness. 

It’s been said that if you died and came back and met your spouse in a social setting of 100 people you would chase after them again. That person is still there.

The very things that attracted us to each other before marriage can end up being the negative things that bother us after marriage.

How do the strengths that you once saw as virtues, now seem like vices?

In this segment, we’ll look at how the principle of the 80:20 Ratio applies to the three cycles: The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, The Rewarded Cycle

It’s not about who your spouse is not; it’s about who you are. It’s not about her being lovable; it’s about you being loving. It’s not about him being respectable; it’s about you being respectful. It’s about who God is calling you to be, independent of who they are.

Crazy Cycle

Even in the best marriages, couples still get on the Crazy Cycle.

You’re not going to come to a point when you never get on the Crazy Cycle. 

The issue is getting off the Crazy Cycle quicker - not staying off it permanently. 

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin. 

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
Ephesians 4:26 

Part of the problem is we take ourselves too seriously. Lighten up! Learn to roll with the 20%. 

We’re troubled by the trouble, which causes more trouble.

Peter says love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). 

You’re going to get on the Crazy Cycle 20% of the time but you’re going to get off quicker if you just accept it.

Energizing Cycle

How does the 80:20 Ratio operate with the Energizing Cycle?

A very important point is that Love and Respect is a principle, not a promise. 

Love and Respect is a principle that works among good-willed people...most of the time. 

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula. It is God’s command to us in marriage. God says you’re to do this regardless of the response. 

Adam was called to work in the field and that was in Paradise. Man is cursed in the field. Woman is cursed in the family. 

Women tend to be relational and family focused. Men tend to focus on the field, on behalf of the family. 

There may be times when your spouse isn’t responding to your attempts to energize the relationship, but stay the course. Focus on the 80% positive instead of the 20% negative. 

Research shows that 70% of couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later. 

Rewarded Cycle

How does the 80:20 Ratio apply to the Rewarded Cycle? 

20% of the time there may be unanswered questions that you’re asking Jesus. 

Some people say its unChrist-like to ask why. But I remind them of what Christ said on the cross, “My God, My God, why has Thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). 

20% of the time, so to speak, you may have unanswered questions. So, will you close your heart to God until He answers your question? 

“Then his wife said to him, ‘Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!’ But Job said to her, ‘You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?’ In all this Job did not sin with his lips” (Job 2:9-10). 

Will you be like Job or like Job’s wife?

Take 2 minutes and read the statements below, putting a check behind each sentence that represents you. Go with your first thought. Then rate yourself.

1. I accept that some trouble happens 20% of the time. ___ 

2. I roll with our honest differences of opinion since it prevents things from escalating out of control. ___ 

3. Most of the time when tension arises, I do not see my spouse as wrong, just different. ___ 

4. Though I get irked at my spouse, most of the time I am content in my marriage. ___ 

5. I trust my spouse’s good will. ___ 

6. Overall, I try to remain hopeful in the marriage, trusting God to work things together for good. ___ 

Did you check 4 or more? If so, this points to you being more positive than negative. Congratulations! 

If you checked less than 3, possibly you are focusing on the 20% and the Lord is leading you to focus more on the positive. 

Take a few minutes and share with your spouse your positive comments. Seek to be uplifting! In response, simply say, “Thank you!”

Group Discussion 

Emerson asked you how you intended to deal with the dizzying moments on the Crazy Cycle, the de-energizing moments on the Energizing Cycle, and the dark moments on the Rewarded Cycle. That’s a great set of questions for you to ponder. The essential answer for the Christ follower is: by faith in Jesus Christ.

For the group discussion, let’s zero in on faith in the Lord during the 20% of those dizzying, de-energizing, or dark moments. Here’s the question: How are you learning to trust Christ during those moments when things aren’t working as you expected and even the Lord isn’t answering your question, “Why Lord?” 

Take Away (2 min) 

List 1- 3 things you have learned in this session that you feel will make a positive difference in your relationship. 

1. __________________________________________ 
2. __________________________________________ 
3. __________________________________________ 

Scripture

If you marry, you have not sinned, but you will have trouble. 1 Corinthians 7:28 

Prayer 

Lord, I accept You at Your Word when You reveal that trouble comes to every marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28). I will roll with the trouble like a sailor rolls with the storm at sea. I will do this because 80% of the marriage, so to speak, can be an enjoyable friendship when I do not allow the 20% troubles to poison the good. Though tossed and turned, I will not jump ship. And, Lord, when things seem 80% bad and 20% good, I will trust You to help me in this more troubling season. Do not let me lose perspective and give up hope, thinking Love and Respect only works for others. Instead, help me persevere. Help me be like You, Jesus. For certain, during such hard times You would never show contempt and hostility. I need not be negative during negative times. I open my heart to Your presence and peace, strength and sustenance. In Your Name, Amen.

This Week 

Emerson to the Husbands: 

Are you slightly miffed at your wife because of the troubles you encounter in your marriage? Are the vast majority of these troubles due to the normal differences related to personal preferences, like you preferring sex more often and she preferring sex less often? As a husband, if you have been intensifying the trouble by resenting the fact that she prefers something less than you prefer it, how is God calling you to remain more restful even though you feel a measure of disappointment? How does this truth comfort you during clashing preferences: she is not wrong for wanting sex less than I want sex, she is just different? 

Sarah to the Wives: 

Are you a tad irritated at your husband because of the troubles you encounter in your marriage? Is the reason for many of these stresses due to the ordinary differences between genders, like you preferring daily emotional connection through talking and he preferring less intimate talking about feelings? As a wife, if you have been intensifying the trouble by resenting the fact that he prefers something less than you prefer it, how is God calling you to remain more relaxed even though you feel a degree of dissatisfaction? How does this truth reassure you during clashing preferences: he is not wrong for wanting less talk time about his feelings, he is just different? 

Husbands and Wives: 

Don’t forget to write down what God is prompting you to work on this week on a Weekly Challenge slip. 

Digging Deeper 

Want to dig deeper into the principles Dr. Emerson presented in this week’s session? Read Chapters 1 & 12 in the book, Love and Respect.