Hollywood knows how to tap into our sense of “happily-ever-after” (tapping into the residual of Paradise that remains in our hearts), doing so through movies, television, novels, etc. 

Paradise, the Garden of Eden, has been lost but it will be regained. In the meantime, eternity has been put into our hearts - the “happily-ever-after” (Ecclesiastes 3:31). 

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word? 

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?” 

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:28 that if you marry, you have not sinned, but will have trouble. 

So, how do you reconcile the word of God that says you’re going to have trouble, with the carnal culture that says you should have a trouble-free relationship? 

Paul says that they measured themselves by themselves and they compared themselves to themselves and they understood nothing (2 Corinthians 10:12). We must not compare and measure ourselves with the scripts of Hollywood.

Why do some of us subscribe to the scripts of Hollywood rather than the Scriptures? 

We are biased in our own favor and think if we’re not happy then our spouse is responsible.

It’s been said we have three enemies: The devil, the flesh and the world. The good news is, we have The Father, The Son, The Holy Spirit and The Word so it’s 4 to 3! 

Hollywood puts its best foot forward but they themselves can’t live this way. 

When we marry, we want to find the right person but we rarely think about being the right person.

We have to make this decision: “I will listen to God’s Holy Word.” 

Man shall not live by bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 8:3b 

Academics have rejected a revelatory worldview, that God has revealed himself through Jesus Christ. These “intellectuals” have embarrassed some Christians who are now ashamed of Jesus Christ and the Word of God (Romans 1:16; Romans 2; 2 Timothy 1:8; 1 Peter 4:16). 

Paul said to the Thessalonians that you did not receive this as the word of man, but as the word of God, which also performs its work in you who believe (1 Thessalonians 2:13). 

The book of Hebrews says the word of God is living and active (Hebrews 4:12). 

Paul says all Scripture is inspired by God (2 Timothy 3:16). 

Every Christ-follower must come to a point where they are either going to trust The Holy Word or the world.

In this segment, we’ll look at how the “Hollywood versus The Holy Word” principle applies to the three cycles: The Crazy Cycle, The Energizing Cycle, The Rewarded Cycle.

If we live based on a FEELING orientation (which is the reason we experience the Crazy Cycle), it is probably because a husband is claiming, “She is being disrespectful, causing me to feel disrespected, and that’s the true story!” Or, a wife claims, “He is being unloving, causing me to feel unloved. He doesn’t even know how to love.” 

If those feelings are real then those feelings are right, correct? Or, are those feelings kind of wrong? 

Husbands, you must trust by faith that your wife is not trying to be disrespectful but is probably feeling unloved. 

Wives, you must trust by faith that your husband is not trying to be unloving but is probably feeling disrespected.

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In the heat of an argument, when you see your spouse’s spirit deflate, you are probably stepping on his/her air hose. 

In the midst of a conflict, ask yourself: “Why are we negatively reacting to each other?” 

The light of God’s Word is saying DECODE so you can get off the Crazy Cycle. 

Ask yourself: “Am I going to live by my feelings or by my faith?”

The FEELING orientation says those feelings are real, but the FAITH orientation says you have to DECODE.

You’re married to a person who is a sinner but they’re not intending evil. They are not intending to be unloving or disrespectful. That is not their goal. Most of the time, they are feeling defensive or insecure. Don’t create such drastic profiles.

How do we motivate our spouse to meet our need for love/respect?

Our feelings tell us: 

I’m not going to love that woman until she shows me more respect. I’m withholding love as a way to get her to show me more respect. 

OR 

I’m not going to respect him until he starts loving on me more. I’m going to show him contempt until he wakes up to my needs. 

We think we can be unloving to get her to show more respect, or disrespectful to get him to be more loving. But, it doesn’t work. 

The FEELING orientation says: I’m not going to give to them until they give to me. 

You cannot motivate another person by withholding what they need the most. 

If we use unholy means to try to achieve a Holy end, we are not honoring Christ.

To him: Ongoing criticism is heard as contempt.

To her: Ongoing stone walling is viewed as an act of hostility.

Good-willed people don’t see the faith-orientation as manipulation, but rather motivation. 

The FAITH orientation says: I’m going to be a loving man to energize the relationship. I’m going to be a respectful woman to energize the relationship.

Wives cannot motivate their husbands by withholding respect.

Husbands cannot motivate their wives by withholding love. 

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way. 

This is a faith venture. You must stand on The Holy Word in order to do this. When you do, you please Christ. 

God is not a cosmic killjoy. He is a loving Father who is saying that if you do relationships My way, it’s probably going to energize your relationship and you’re going to be happier.

What is God’s ultimate purpose for my marriage?

Many Christ-followers have never connected their marriage to Christ.

We have become so outcome based, we think if our spouse isn’t responding to us on the Energizing Cycle, we must be failing. That is a complete lie.

There is coming a day when Jesus Christ will say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” He might add: “You did marriage My way; not according to Hollywood.”

Have you realized that you can do marriage God’s way, without your spouse responding? 

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. 

When we stand before the Lord, He’s going to ask: “Did you love your spouse? Did you respect your spouse? Did you do it out of love and reverence for Me?”

What Influences You The Most?

Ask yourself, “When it comes to my marriage, what influences me the most, my feelings or my faith?” As you read the statements below, note the two possibilities and check the one that best represents you, either “Feeling-Oriented” or “Faith-Oriented.” 

When my spouse seems upset or annoyed...

a. I tend to think it’s about me, get angry and react. _________(Feeling-Oriented)
b. I really try to pause, pray, and seek to understand what is happening. _________(Faith-Oriented) 

Concerning the Bible...

a. I don’t think much at all about what the Bible is saying concerning issues in our marriage but lean on worldly advice that makes sense to me. _________ (Feeling-Oriented)
b. Though the Bible does not have answers to every issue that arises in my marriage, I try to think first, “Has God’s Word said something about this matter directly or in principle?” _________(Faith-Oriented) 

If my spouse doesn’t respond lovingly or respectfully... 

a. Most of the time I do not respond lovingly or respectfully. _________(Feeling-Oriented)
b. I really try to do the loving and respectful thing unto Christ in obedience to Ephesians 5:33. _________(Faith-Oriented)

______________________________________________________________________________________
Would you say that you lean more toward a feeling-orientation or faith-orientation?

As a couple, keep this interaction positive by sharing with each other where you see yourself walking more by faith in the marriage or where you want more of a faith-orientation. Affirm each other’s desires. Express, “Thanks for sharing that.” 

Discussion and Takeaway

Hollywood tends to promote a feeling-orientation when it comes to relationships whereas the word of God promotes a faith-orientation. With that in mind, think of how you have been influenced, and discuss the following questions.

1. Are you living by feelings, meaning you are not even thinking about the Rewarded Cycle? Or are you living by faith that says this is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate my love and my reverence for Jesus Christ? Talk about this. 
2. How easy or hard is it to love and respect your spouse unto Jesus Christ, regardless of whether or not he/she meets your own needs? Do you agree that God calls us to do this? Why or why not?
3. List 1- 3 things you have learned in this session that you feel will make a positive difference in your relationship. 

Scripture

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.
Romans 10:17 

Prayer 

Lord Jesus, when Satan, with all of his carnal and worldly influence came at You, You modeled for us how to live by the Word. Three times you countered the prince of this world with, “It is written” (Matthew 4:4,7,10). You did so by declaring, “Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God” (Matthew 4:4). Grant a new resolve to live by what is written. Paul penned, “For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction” (Romans 15:4) and “All Scripture is inspired” by You and “profitable for teaching” (2 Timothy 3:16). Help us respond to the Bible not “as the word of men, but for what it really is, the Word of God, which also performs its work in (us) who believe” (1 Thessalonians 2:13). Lord, perform a great work in our marriage as we renew our commitment to make the Scriptures our final authority for faith and practice. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

This Week 

Emerson to the Husbands: 

Ask God to help you put on love when you are feeling disrespected and want to react with feelings of anger. As a man you have great strengths but you are not so strong that you can always do the loving thing when feeling disrespected. You need God at this crossroads. You are not unmanly for needing God’s assistance! What you can do is resist the negative “feelings” you have when feeling disrespected. Do not let those feelings override your faith to do the loving thing. 

Sarah to the Wives: 

Ask God to help you put on respect when you are feeling unloved and want to react with feelings of anger. As a woman you have great strengths but you are not so strong that you can always do the respectful thing when feeling unloved. You need God in this moment. You are not weak for needing God’s aid! What you can do is resist the negative “feelings” you have when feeling unloved. You must not let your feelings conquer your faith in doing the respectful thing. 

Husbands and Wives: 

What is God prompting you to work on this week? Write it down on a Weekly Challenge slip.

Digging Deeper 

Want to dig deeper into the principles Dr. Emerson presented in this week’s session? Read Chapter 1 in the book, The Language of Love and Respect.